Honesty is so important.
I have been saying it for years.
I’ve learned the truth has such a powerful capacity to heal and truly
mend. There’s some who will argue the
truth sometimes is better left unsaid. I
believe that if you hold back even tiny elements of truth out of reality, the
only thing you’re doing is holding back the fullest of your own potential.
Lying to Yourself:
The biggest lie you can tell is a lie to your
reflection. Denial is so easy to fall
victim to. It’s even easier to dwell in
that place of denial. Yes, you are
hurting yourself. That’s an obvious
fact. But, what we fail to recognize is
how that denial affects those around you.
Guess what? People see your lie.
It has taken me years to realize the depth of my own
personal deception. It was only recently
I came to terms with how much I was doing it.
“I’m ok.” That is such an easy
phrase to articulate. Ironically, with
enough repetition of that simple fabrication, one can begin to believe it. The question isn’t so much if you’re ok. Its more the question of, are you
complacent? In my case, complacency was
the truth. I understood about a year ago
I had been telling myself I was ok so frequently, I believed it. Then, I sat down and evaluated the validity
of it all. No. I wasn’t ok.
So, I turned that into the process of acceptance. As soon as I took notice of where I really
was, I was able to move forward and reach a plane of solace. I found the inner peace I needed with just a
little reflection and perspective.
Lying to Protect:
Quite recently a lie of such magnitude has shaken the very
core of what life I believed I was living in.
Instead of taking the opportunity to tell me the truth, I was lied to in
the name of Not Hurting My Feelings. I’m
not talking about little lies like; No, those jeans don’t make you look fat, or
Yes, I love that new haircut. I’m
talking about lies about how one actually felt about me. What’s the point? What purpose is that kind of fallacy serving? It’s damaging to the person on the receiving
end of the lie and ultimately it’s devastating to the person living in a
lie.
The truth, they say, will always come out. That is a fact. But under what circumstances the truth is
revealed is the pinpoint of the pain the lie causes. For example:
I’d much rather learn about a mistake that was made that hurts me from
the person who actually made the mistake.
Finding out the truth through other means is far more damaging to my
heart. It intensifies the lie. Copping to an error in judgment introduces
opportunity for repentance and forgiveness.
Lying to Hurt:
It has come to my attention more than once that in the early
days of my marriage several individuals, who claimed to know me, told such a
massive lie about me that it wedged a colossal distrust between my new family
and me. Instead of asking me about the
lie, I was judged and sentenced. All of
this mind you, unbeknownst to me. That
lie was so immense; it literally unsettled any possibility of solid ground
beneath me. I was left alone many times
and treated unfairly because of a point of view I didn’t know anything about.
I know exactly who the people were that told this lie. Over the past few years of knowing about this
lie, I have struggled to keep myself from calling them and letting them have a
piece of my mind. Would it change the
affect the lie had? Of course not. But there’s a gift in confrontation
sometimes. Now, I am thinking about this
lie under a new context. I have recently
learned the long-term effects the lie has had.
One would think that several years of being around me and figuring out
who I am, the lie would have been discredited.
Alas, it didn’t.
Recovering
Everything I thought I knew about my life has been flipped
upside down. Because of the lying, my
reality was based on faith in something that didn’t exist. I can’t even begin to describe how hard it is
to find comfort right now as I bask in such a devastating truth. Everything I have relied on has been
removed. For the first time in my life, I
have to find comfort on my own. Even
though there has been a deficit in spousal comfort for years, I have lied to
myself about the existence of support and that made me feel better.
I am struggling to turn off behaviors I have become so
accustomed to. My heart and mind are at
odds with one another and that is beyond annoying. All the clarity I’ve needed comes with just a
simple trip down memory lane. But
pushing away the one constant, albeit unhealthy, is proving to be quite the
task. Rereading my own words to myself
in regards to the path I want to travel is something I’m going to have to
constantly do.
This is hard. My
whole life is changing and it’s unsettling.
Coming to terms with all this truth is kicking my butt. I am fortunate to have friends that are
willing to listen to me talk like a crazy person. Quite frankly, I am crazy right now. Things are beyond manic. But, having friends remind me of the truth is
vital for me. The heart is a liar. Coming to terms with that is weird. I’ve put a lot of stock in trusting my
heart. Maybe one day I will again. Right now my head has to be the one running
the show.
Even though this truth has broken my heart, I am glad for
it. How many years could have gone
before this truth was made known? Where
would I be at that point? It is nuts to
think about the amount of time that has gone with such falsehood, but I guess
there’s not time like the present. This truth
sucks. But I know I’ll like it better
than the lie sooner rather than later.
I appreciate the words of support and encouragement I’ve
been given over the past couple of weeks.
It does wonders for my broken spirit.
I am anxious for this divorce to finalize so I have the tangible freedom
to move on. Until that happens, I fear
I’m going to continue running myself into corners. I’ll probably do that for a while
afterwards. I am blessed with incredible
friends and family. It’s nice to know
what people think of me. Not that
other’s opinions dictate anything, but it’s nice to be validated in my truth.
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