I’m heading home in less than two weeks and the feelings are
weird. There’s an immense anxiousness to
get back to my life in Sierra Vista and above all my rejoining my family. However, there’s this looming nervousness
about leaving my dad and younger sibs.
I’m not so self-involved to believe they can’t survive without me. I just wish I could be closer to them in case
the need for me reaches critical mass.
The last blood results didn’t deliver us a lot of
positivity. On the whole, dad’s blood
looks like it's healthy (aside from the cancer). But after going through 4 cycles of
chemotherapy, the cancer density returned nearly to the same level it had in
the beginning. Not good.
The past few days he’s been having serious bouts with
pain. The medication we have to give him
is just not enough to make a difference.
Last night was one of the hardest nights he’s had to endure.
I wish I could show what his bones look like right now. If you Google ‘multiple myeloma bone scans,’
you’ll be able to get a general idea.
The bones in his body are riddled with hollow spots and areas that have
bone damage (meaning bone is deteriorating).
One particular weakened area is in his clavicle. Where the bone has two lines on the bottom
and top when looking at an X-ray, his has about a 2-inch section with only one
line on the top. The bone is gone. It hurts.
My being here bears absolutely no effect when it comes to his
cancer. I can’t take it from him. There’s the emotional and physical support
that I’ve been here for thus far. I can
do a lot of that from my own home. It
just feels different having them all in the same room with me. It’s weird to think about talking to dad
about this stuff over the phone. That
will be the hardest part of leaving.
Having been so involved with this medical situation, I’ve
seriously thought about becoming a nurse.
I have toyed with the idea over the past few years. Things about the decision have intimidated
me. Well, I’ve decided to get over those
intimidations and just do it. I’ve
started to push the rock up the hill in pursuing that idea. As soon as I get home, I’ll be spending some
time at the college and lining up a degree program and funding it. I’ve done a lot of research already and if I
play my cards right, I should be able to do it for next to nothing
(bonus)! I’m honestly very excited about
getting started. Nurse Emma! LOL!
I’m trying to focus on the positive things I’m going to get
accomplished once I get home. It’s
helping me focus less on the things that make me uneasy about leaving. I posted a status update a few days ago about
my goals. I meant them. There have been many lessons learned about me
over the past few months. One of them is
the need to help myself by taking care of myself. There are so many things I am not in control
of. Most things actually. But what I can control regarding my inner
satisfaction is completely self-driven.
I have been very happy lately. In the truest sense of the word. Entirely happy. I have had a tremendous amount of validation
given to fulfill me. I fully intend on
continuing to give myself reasons to be proud of me. Getting some schooling done and seeing if I can
do something entirely different is going to be adding another dimension to
me.
Music is going to be a massive force in the coming
months. It is always a severe ache when I
go any length of time without performing.
Four months is an eternity coming off such an awesome ride last year to
not be singing. I’m so excited about the
enthusiasm of some particular musicians in town regarding my return. They’ve literally been waiting for me. How awesome is that? I’m going to give them everything I’ve got to
reward such patience. Stay tuned.
All in all, I’m doing well.
I am looking forward to taking care of Emma a little bit in the coming
weeks. I need some social time and me
time. I’ve missed my friends and family
so much. I can’t wait to be the friend
some need of me. If all hell breaks
loose in my dad’s world, I’ll be back to fight the flames.
