Angel From Knoxville, Iowa

Music has nearly always been a driving force in my life.  Whenever I’ve had any kind of emotional hiccup, I’ve been able to rely on the comfort of various artists to help me through it.  One note at a time.  Even the hardest times in my life, I can name specific songs that have aided me through.

We all have a song or whatever that provokes memory.  Good and bad.  I have a group of artists that will always spark vivid memories of my upbringing.  My parents were instrumental in my musical prowess.  These are the artists that whisk me to my childhood in one or two notes:

Gypsy Kings

Bonnie Raitt

The Rippingtons

Acoustic Alchemy

Pat Metheny

B.B. King

Billie Holliday

Indigo Girls

Al Jarreau

James Taylor

Kenny Loggins

Amy Grant

Take 6

There isn’t a time I’ve listened to any of those artists and haven’t instantly felt the presence of my family.  I’m extremely grateful for that kind of reminiscence.  

My mother had a tremendous love of Bonnie Raitt.  I’m so lucky to have so many wonderful memories of the two of us singing karaoke at various bars in Sierra Vista and belting out our favorite songs.  We bonded intensely over those experiences.  The first time I ever sang “I Can’t Make You Love Me” with her in the audience, she saw pieces of her own desires coming through me.  She was given an opportunity to sing in her younger days.  The days before marriage and kids.  She talked about it often.  When she noticed the same desire to pursue music in me, we connected in a totally new way.  She was the one who drove for hours for a chance to make it on American Idol.  She was the one who supported my silly idea that I would make it on a television show.  We sang the whole 8 hour drive to L.A.  

She even did it again to Las Vegas.  Two of the four times I tried out, my mom was right there cheering me on and hoping just as immensely as I that the judges would see what  I had.  Memories I will cherish until my memory no longer serves me.  I hope that time lasts an eternity.

When I was in my last trimester of pregnancy with Alex, she was in her final trimester of life with us.  My dad, wanting us to see each other despite our inabilities to do it physically, made sure we Skyped or FaceTimed often.  One of the wonderful gifts of FaceTime is the ability to record the conversation.  

It was late and she was tired.  She sat in her chair and chatted with me.  We started talking about music today.  She made fun of Lady Gaga.  She thought the name Gaga was hilarious and kept repeating it.  It was so funny.  Through her shaking voice, due to the tremors in her neck, she giggled about how silly and weird Lady Gaga was.  Then, she fought to remember her favorite Bonnie Raitt song.  She started to shakily hum the melody to help her remember.  I helped her out by starting to sing the song to her.

She started to sing along with me.  Her memory failed her with lyrics, so I just spoke them to her, so she could sing them.  The second verse was her favorite.  The melody builds and emotes.  Fighting her body’s defiance to sing, she forced out the notes to the best of her ability.

Tears fell down my cheeks as she sang.  One of the things that broke her heart the most when she started to get sick was she couldn't sing anymore.  She couldn't control the tremors enough to stay on key.  She cried about that to me more than once.  It frustrated her so much how her body betrayed her desires.

I watch the video of her singing all the time.  It was the last time she ever sang with me.   It was the last time we bonded over music.  

As soon as Bonnie Raitt hit the stage, my heart swelled.  I was so anxious to hear every song that would transport me into the company of my mother.  It took no time at all for that to happen.  About midway through her show, she pulled out her acoustic guitar and stood center stage.  The band sat in the dark as the spotlight focused on Bonnie.  She said, “I want to dedicate this next song to my mother, and her mother, and her mother.  This is for all the mothers.”  My eyes swelled, unknowing what song she was about to sing.  It could not have been more perfect than singing “Angel From Montgomery.”  My cheeks were instantly wet.  I listened to each and every note and didn’t see Bonnie at all.  I saw my mom.  Center stage under a spotlight.  Singing to me.  

Even though my mom wasn’t physically there, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt she was all around me.  I miss you everyday, Mom.

When It's Quiet

When it’s quiet in my house, I get restless.  So many thoughts run through my head.  From the simplest to the abstract, I pace around my house searching for a little reprieve.  I often will settle into a fictional tale and that will suffice until dreams take the wheel of my maniacal wonderments.  Lately my dreams have been nothing short of puzzling.

Frequently, I have read into the interpretation of the subconscious.  There have been many times the things I’ve read have been spot on to what my dreams project.  I have even tried the senseless activity of dream conjuring.  Seems silly even typing that.  But, there are some that believe we can provoke certain types of dreams through meditation before sleep.  I’ve never accomplished that theory.  So it remains just that.  A theory.

When it’s quiet, in my restlessness, I reflect.  The path my life has brought me to is so content, it’s scary.  There is very little in my life to complain about.  Sure, there will always be a material object I crave, but the intangible satisfaction is great.  Never before in my life have I felt this at peace with my world.

I’ve started writing about this over the course of the past year, and haven’t been able to quite put into words how I feel.  The best way to describe my status requires no elaborate description.  Despite this sense of solace, my mind still finds ways to make me feel as though I’m not at such peace.  Maybe my subconscious hans’t quite caught on to my consciousness.  There’s this wariness of the other shoe dropping.  My tendency to over analyze everything apparently doesn’t know how to stop.

Given my history of great loss and massive heartache, I understand my emotional panic mode.  There’s absolutely nothing tragic happening to me for the first time in a long time.  I’ve reached a very healthy place with my grief.  I can talk about those experiences without feeling anxious.  I cannot begin to tell you how relieving that is to feel.  

But, when it’s quiet, there’s this little echo of history resonating in the caverns of those empty places in my heart.  When my mind is given any inch to drift, I quickly find myself paddling against a current so strong, it feels as if drowning is the only escape.  That might sound contradictory to what I just wrote about being in a good place with my grief.  

Part of the reason I’m in this place of contentment, is because I’ve finally learned how to allow my emotions to take the lead when it’s necessary.  I allow myself a little pity party occasionally.  But I have figured out how to know when it’s time to pop the balloons and call the cops.  I’ve learned my limits.  I don’t tempt them.  It’s a daily exercise of restraint.  I work very hard to keep my mind from drifting to those places of depression.  I don’t give more than an inch, because frankly, that kind of paddling is exhausting.

When it’s quiet, I carry on an inner dialogue.  I think about the news, blogs I’ve read, I dream up things I’d like to accomplish, and I remind myself of my potential.  It can all get so convoluted.  Perhaps that is why my dreams are so nuts.  Too much thinking about how I’m going to change the world.  It’s a daunting task when you start to really entertain the notion.

A few weeks ago, I sort of got to tell my story to someone that didn’t really know me.  It’s amazing how much of who you are can be understood when you articulate where you’ve been.  Three days of deep and meaningful conversations would typically sound draining.  For me, it was relieving.  The sense of renewal I felt after sharing so much of myself was intense.

Now, I’m not so egotistical to think my story is anything so incredible, others should want to hear it.  But, knowing at the end of the three days I had one more person on the planet that now knows why I’m, me.  I suppose it was validating in a way.

When it’s quiet, I think about those things.  What makes me who I am.  I get wrapped up in that a little.  Even thinking about just a few experiences in my life, the very paved road behind me is easy to see.  Because my mind tears off into so many different directions at once, it makes it really hard to focus on one thing.  Even if that one thing is sleeping.  I’ll lay in bed and try to turn off the engine of my thoughts, but they’re so all over the place, I can’t even find the ignition.  I’ll try to think about something ridiculous, like meal planning and end up thinking about how I could open my own bakery.  I’m a terrible baker.  But it never fails.  Turning off my brain is hard to do.

***

One day, I’m going to really write a book about my life.  If anything, for me and my lineage.  I’ve collected my blogs over the past five years and reviewed journals I’ve been keeping since I was 8 years old.  Maybe if someone else read the workings of my noggin, they’d be able to recognize why I think so deeply.

I wish all the time for a simple mind.  But at the very same time, appreciate complexity of the one I’ve got.

What in the world is the point of this blog?  Beats me.  Ramblings of my head at 11:00 at night.  I’m no Deepak Chopra, but I’ve got meaningful insight based on my own trials.  I think, very soon, I need to write about how I’ve come to this place.  I’m resilient.  I’m capable.  I’m creative.  Figuring that out has really put things into a phenomenal perspective.  

In all truth, I think this blog is indicative of a person who needs to spend more time with other adults and have some conversations about real stuff instead of ABC’s and counting.  Adult interaction....Yep.  There’s your point of the blog.  Anyone wanna grab a cup of coffee and chat about the wonders of the world?  

2016: Obama's America

When Josh asked me if I wanted to see the film, I initially told him no.  He was a little confused as to why, because I really don’t like Obama.  But, I had to approach a film of this nature with caution and nothing short of skepticism.  I had listened to Glen Beck (who massively pushes this film) interview the creator of the documentary.  I didn’t feel there was much the movie could tell me that I hadn’t already heard.  Then there’s the way I tend to think about things.  I read a few reviews and articles about the movie.  In my reading, I found some of the claims in the film were unsubstantiated.  That raised a few red flags for me.  Call me crazy, but I tend to be a little bit of a devil’s advocate while considering a political situation. 

As I watched the film, I made mental notes of things to fact check.  I already had an idea there would be several things to consider while watching.  First, how valid are the claims the film is making?  For example:  Obama wasn’t interviewed for this film.  No one on Obama’s side was interviewed.  It was a very one-sided approach.  That being said, the film quotes (a lot) from Obama’s book, Dreams From My Father.  Using Obama’s own voice while reading excerpts, I wondered what was being taken out of context to support the film’s message?  The more I watched and the more I listened, I don’t think anything was really taken out of context.  Perhaps, I should read the book.  Probably won’t. 

The overall conclusion of the film was Obama’s need to make his father proud.  Based on Obama’s book, his father was very anti-colonial.  He believed Europe as evil.  So did Obama’s grandfather.  Because Obama wasn’t ever able to know his father, he created an image of him.  Children of absentee fathers tend to idealize their father.  A psychologist addressed this very subject.  He claimed, Obama has a need to honor his father through success and power.  In essence, finishing the dream his father had.

In Obama’s book, he says himself how he decided to choose his friends very carefully.  Those friends ended up being some of the most radical leftist in modern history.  We’ve all heard about Bill Ayers, Frank Marshall Davis, and Rev. Jeremiah Wright.  He mentions these people in his book and of course we know about the relationships through several resources in the media.  The friends he kept help fuel the claim of the film’s hypothesis.  These men had similar philosophies as his father.

I have to insert my own feelings about these relationships.  Isn’t it a little concerning to know our President looked up to individuals who admittedly hate America?  Better still, one of those men was a card-carrying member of the Communist Party.  Why doesn’t this bother anyone enough to change their mind about his capability to lead our country with the best interest of Americans at the forefront?  On the flipside of that coin, perhaps he thinks this is what is best for America.  Based on writings of Obama’s father, he feels the taxation on citizens should be 100% and expresses belief in the imprisonment of the citizens through government dependency.  Hmmm.  Doesn’t quite coincide with the American Dream does it?

Squabbling over the responsibility of the current economic crisis is futile.  The fact of the matter is, something has to be done.  Massively.  Increasing our debt is not an option if the U.S. wants to remain the leading example of the world.  I haven’t found proof yet to one of the final claims of the film.  But, I did read there was an agreement to reduce nuclear armament.  According to the film, we are looking at potentially having 0 nuclear warheads.  All in the spirit of leading the way towards world peace.  Well…I don’t see a lot of that happening around the world.  We have over 5000 warheads, reluctantly released information not too long ago.  The films states Obama promised to reduce that number to 1500.  WOW!

Do I want world peace?  Um, duh.  It’d be great to have a world full of people just going about their lives without incident.  But, let’s be honest.  Never going to happen.  Just read a history book. 

My overall feeling for the movie was good.  It raised interesting points and posed interesting questions.  When electing a president of the United States, full disclosure is not just for the sake of public invasion.  It’s for the sake of comprehension.  Shouldn’t we know who our President is and what he or she stands for?

Do I believe Obama hates America?  Not really, no.  But I do believe he loves a different kind of America than what I want as an American.  It’s my job to voice my opinion in November.  For me the choice is just as clear as it was four years ago.  I hope, for the sake of the future, more people take all information into consideration when heading to the polls.  Voting out of ignorance or fear is simply irresponsible.

After watching this film, I have looked into a number of things.  I’m currently drafting another blog in regards to comparing the two candidates and what they are proposing.  This film has certainly pointed some direction for me to focus on.  I recommend giving it a go.  Go with an open mind or a skeptical one.  But at least give yourself the opportunity to see things a little differently.  What do you really have to lose?  Some of the things introduced in the film shouldn’t be ignored.  Quite frankly, I’m surprised a lot of it has been swept under the rug.  You be the judge on what is important to know about your leader.

Church and Politics

I will be the first to admit I have some bias when it comes to Mitt Romney’s religious background.  It may shock some of you to know, I was raised Mormon.  Though I haven’t been active in church for quite some time, I still have a lot of values in my life based on that upbringing.  Be that as it may, I have frequently pondered how much religion plays into my vote for president.

Reading some of the blogs online regarding Romney’s faith background, I have been forced to wonder why this is such an issue.  Perhaps because I was raised Mormon, I don’t have as much curiosity about the religion.  I forget how obscure the faith is to the general population.  I can’t help to wonder, even still why this is a subject of controversy.  Would people be as uneasy if he were a Jehovah’s Witness?

I think, individually, we would be hard pressed to find a value or element of morality that wasn’t somehow influenced by faith/spirituality/religion.  Hasn’t religion helped form the very core of social decency?  The Ten Commandments have been a resource for laws all over the world.  Those commandments came straight down from God to Moses on Mount Sinai.  Call me nuts, but I think those commandments were pretty good guidelines to live by.  Does it matter to me that it came from an alcoholic that wandered the desert for 40 years?  Probably not.  My point is, for the most part faith based practices typically encourage individuals to live better lives.

I watched a little bit of Bill Maher today and found him to be over the top on the subject of Romney’s religion.  I’m going to finish watching the episode later, but the opinion of Maher is no secret.  He’s fundamentally against any form of organized religion.  OK.  I get it.  But, he goaded one of his guests to bash the religion (which I was happy to see him avoid) to the point of obnoxious.  Overall obnoxious and Bill Maher are synonymous, but I digress.  What’s the big deal?

President Obama has defined his faith as Christian.  He has identified himself as a man who wants to lead his life as his brothers’ and sisters’ keeper, and abiding by the Golden Rule.  He believes we’re saved through the grace of God.  

Mormonism believes the same thing.  Perhaps more people should ask a Mormon about the church instead of rumors and get to the bottom of the truth.  I’m not the authority on Mormonism.  But, I am pretty darn familiar with the doctrine.  I welcome the opportunity to explain things to one willing to hear the answer without an argumentative disposition.  Religion is a personal thing and extremely subjective.

It doesn’t bother me at all what religion any one person is engaged in.  So long as that individual doesn’t force their theology on me.  I’m of the opinion that as long as you’re doing what works for you and helps you engage your life with honor and civility, you’re doing us all a favor.  I was curious if we’ve ever had a president that wasn’t affiliated with any religion.  It was pretty profound to see only three unaffiliated.  Andrew Johnson, Abraham Lincoln, and Thomas Jefferson.  If you’d like to see who was affiliated with what see this link:  Presidential Religious Affiliation

When JFK was running for office, there was a general concern about his relationship to the Catholic faith.  People wondered if the Pope would be running the United States or JFK.  I think it’s fairly safe to say, he ran it.  Nixon was a Quaker.  But, it didn’t stop him from dropping some bombs on Cambodia.  I think we have seen a decent balance in the White House when it comes to personal faith based convictions.  Do I have a problem knowing my President prays?  Hell, No!  I hope he or she does!  I would have a larger problem knowing major decision making was done without deep contemplation.  Prayer is just that.  Deep thinking and talking things through.  Asking for clarity.  Its meditation.  However one defines it, I’m not going to tell anyone how to do it.  

Are Mormons different?  Sure.  Every religion has its quirks.  If we took the time to dissect each religion, we’d find some pretty strange stuff, theology-wise.  But, as I mentioned earlier;  what fundamental values are in our lives that aren’t in some way shaped by spiritual influence?  On the whole, religion helps keep society healthy.  There are certainly extremes.  I’m not a fan of those radicals that bomb abortion clinics.  They’re the best example of hypocrisy.  But just as there are extremes inside religion, you’ll find equal amounts of extremes to the contrary in the form of Atheists.  

I appreciate Romney hasn’t made a spectacle of his faith.  Though I’m sure it feels sort of like betrayal for him.  Ignorance is frustrating and leads people to make irrational choices.  If any one person decides not to vote for him or any candidate for that matter based on their faith practices, they’re doing themselves a disservice.  I feel that the second we have a President in the White House who isn’t humbled by the existence of a higher being, we’ll be in trouble.

I’m voting for Romney for a number of reasons.  Maybe I’ll write a blog about why in the future.  But right now, he’s my guy.  Mormon or not.  But his membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, doesn’t hurt.Presidents' Religious Affiliation