Living In Grief?

A loved one recently told me that they believe I live in grief.  They think I can’t see anything positive around me and that I can’t be happy.   It made me happy to hear someone’s honest perception of me.  Even though it wasn’t exactly uplifting, it is certainly eye opening.  There’s what I believe I put out into the world, and then there’s what the world takes.

I reflected on those words.  I have put into context what she’s seeing when she sees me as a “sad girl.” I can see why she thinks this about me.  As hard as I thought I was fighting to be the fun girl I’ve been, I have apparently failed a bit. 

The truth is, I have had a lot of grief.  Tons.  Probably more than a lot.  Not that I am looking for an award or some kind of special recognition.  However, I have allowed myself to be cynical and jaded more than I should.  As of this moment, that is no longer acceptable.

Right now, my plate continues to fill.  Life doesn’t wait for convenience to throw curve balls.  Consequences of actions or words can rear its head at any given moment.  Karma doesn’t work with your schedule.  It surely doesn’t work with mine.  With that in mind, I am not going to let this new chapter be written for me.  I am capable, smart, and determined to take all the control I physically can.

As of this moment, I am creating a list of priorities that are all about my satisfaction.  This morning I was talking to my brother and it struck me what I needed to blog about.  ME!  Instead of writing about how this new bad thing is happening, I’m going to write what I’m going to do about it.  I’m going to put all of my energy that yearns to be in depression into action.

Step One:

Finalize my divorce.

Step Two:

Develop and improve the relationship between my daughter and I.

Step Three and Four:

Get my passport.  Go to Ireland, Spain, Italy, and England.

The following steps will be taken simultaneously.

Step Five:

Enroll in school and pursue a degree in nursing.

Step Six:

Ride my sister’s ass until she gives me all the illustrations I need to FINALLY get published.

Step Seven:

Get Published.

Step Eight:

Write my ass off.

Step Nine:

Get my OWN band.

Step Ten:

Sell this house that has held me prisoner in more ways than physical.

Step Eleven:

Move on with my life and be unapologetic with who I am.  Feel as big as I am.  NEVER shrink myself again for the sake of something without guarantee.

Until this morning I kept saying I don’t know what to do now.  I’m so shocked that in such a short period of time I’ve figured it all out.  Having this kind of clarity during such a tumultuous time is something I can’t ignore.  I certainly can’t let it slip away from me.  If I do, at this point my failures and unmet goals are solely MINE.  I no longer have one shred of excuse to hold me back from being the beast of a person I am. 

I know who I am now.  I haven’t lost sight of that even though this past week has caused me to stop and question.  No.  I am exactly the same person I was a week ago.  I am exactly the same lover, friend, mother, sister, daughter, woman I was before.  Now I am that person with a new gaping wound I will heal and get over. 

I’m not naïve to think I’m going to get over this immediately.  I am just determined to not let the process of recovery inhibit person growth and development.  I have been depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts before.  I vowed to myself I would never let that happen again.  Granted, I never thought I would ever face something that dire again.  But, like I said, life’s trials aren’t phased by your willingness/readiness to handle them. 

I’m going to have many moments where I’m going to let myself slip into the sadness necessary to properly grieve this.  I’m not going to stymie my emotions.  They need to be felt.  I need to allow the evolution to play out.  But I will always fight to stay in control of them.  I know that I have a few friends that know me well enough to see if I’m slipping and are willing to jerk my head out of my ass.  I’m going to need to be checked occasionally.  But I am NOT going to let this defeat me or deter me from becoming the most amazing person he left.