Core memories in your 40s are interesting to recall upon. Nearly 30 years ago, I still vividly remember receiving the news from my parents about where my dad’s next duty station would take us. At the time, my family was living the island life of Hawaii as best our family could on an E5 salary.
My best friend had moved to Arizona and we anticipated our family following hers to this weird named place in the desert. Fort Huachuca, AZ waited for us to arrive in January 1992.
We drove through the main gate in the middle of the night. We were at the end of an epic three week journey that took us from Schofield Barracks, HI to Washington state and then south along the Pacific Coast Highway to I-10. I couldn’t see much outside because it was dark. So dark that I thought we were lost. We checked into billeting and slept in beds until the sun came up.
That’s when genuine tears of disappointment flooded. We were in the desert. My 11 year old mind has envisioned the Wild West. I expected rock houses and teepees. As if Arizona had somehow stopped evolving after the Tombstone incident. Eleven year olds are funny that way. As I took in the first sights of Fort Huachuca, I thought my life was over. The only shred of grace I had in my emptying soul was the knowledge that my best friend was here. If I saw her, all would be ok.
At that time, I had no idea what Sierra Vista and Fort Huachuca, AZ would become for my family, then ultimately for me.
Thirty years later, memories are nestled into the most random nooks and crannies of this valley. I fell in love here. Multiple times. I became a mother here. I divorced here. I watched my parents leave the area to pursue new adventures once my own adulthood took roots.
I watched my siblings come back and then leave again. I held my father in his dying breaths here. I lost my first son here. I lost myself and found her all over again, here. I never imagined the bulk of my life would be experienced in the 85635 zip code.
When the biggest pivot of my life took hold, I had opportunity to leave. Many, actually. It was heartbreaking to turn each one down over the course of about 7 years. The one and only reason I didn’t is, my kids. The ranging exhibits of hostility between their dad and I, simply didn’t allow any room to negotiate custody to where I wouldn’t be left choosing between myself or them. It has always been an easy decision to stay, but nevertheless tough to deny selfish wants. I could never leave them. Never. He and I both, spite driven, said whoever leaves the state will forfeit their custody to the other. So, here is where I’ve been.
Well, another pivot shockingly plopped into an unassuming me. Did I think at one point it would be him who left? Yes. When was really the factor and there had been no confidence in the validity of that hypothetical situation. However, this past summer, I was given about 30 days notice that he was in fact leaving the state and the the kids were going to be with me full time.
While the information tsunami hit my soul, the girl I had pushed far into the back of my mind, soared up front and begged the question: Does this mean I can leave, too!? The answer wasn’t dependent on him anymore. It was my choice to make now. I don’t need permission. He had officially taken that step neither one of us had been capable enough to make.
Now, the chronic over-thinker I am, went into a violent tale spin. Everything I’ve ever wanted was just handed to me. No contingency. No ulterior motive. This perfect gift of opportunity has rapidly turned into a psychological nightmare. The what ifs have taken a front seat and those bastard questions plague my anxiety, depression, and my general sense of always waiting for a shoe to drop and taken them for a ride.
Ecstasy of possibility is something I have longed to experience. Wanting something beyond Cochise County has had a residency in my dreams since I was a junior in high school. It has taken 20+ years to have the legitimate ability to turn those dreams into achievable goals.
My lease on my house is up the end of May. The boys finish school in the end of May. They will spend the summer with their dad at the new house in the new state. That gives me the summer to set up a new house, new job, new start…wherever I want to go (in the US of course). If timing could play a role in this plot line, it is the star. Nothing could be written more perfectly to accommodate me in this endeavor.
Honestly, the perfection of that timing is what scares the shit out of me the most. It’s 100% up to me to bring this all together. I have ALL the control. Have you ever been power crazed? That’s how this feels. There is absolutely nothing blocking my path except the consequences of my own choices. Giant F word.
The journey I’ve been on in self discovery has had a very specific ideal that I have thought would make me whole. I have written in my journal about this a lot. I don’t know if it comes from the theory that we need another person in order to feel whole that has predicated my belief that I’m not “healed” until I’m in a healthy relationship. I have quite recently ascertained that the only thing that can make me feel whole, is me.
My kids, my partner, my extended family, my friends, they are all orbital fixtures to the center I possess. I don’t have to depend on the substances of those relationships in order to feel valid and valued. This for me has been a next level comprehension of accepting joy in its purest, rawest form.
What that realization has done has been a ripple in a brand new pond. I am for the first time adapting to changes that are my creation. I am preparing to adapt to consequences of my own actions. Before this, I’ve been forced to make massive concessions and compromises due to being part of the collateral damage from some one or some thing, else.
I know I have time if I want it. I have a lot of planning to do and not just the logistics. My goal is to be moved to Tennessee by the end of summer. That includes securing a new job and making the leap in buying my first home. I have so many consequences I want to anticipate are mostly positive. I hope I am as prepared as the universe is testing me to prove to do exactly what I’ve been wanting my whole life. I am freaking out.
This chronicle will no doubt run over multiple blogs because of the sheer magnitude of what lies ahead. I am pretty damned excited to write about something other than tragedy. The thrill of closing such an epic saga that has been my life, set in Sierra Vista and Fort Huachuca, AZ is also mixed with bitter sweetness. I would love the sharing of memories through this platform to help me best document these past 30 years.
