I started college classes on the 17th of
October. Since then, I have not only
learned a bunch of academic lessons, I’ve also learned some life lessons along
the way. I am currently taking
Philosophy 111 (Introduction to Philosophy), English 102, and Psychology 218
(Grief, Loss and Dying). The Psychology
class seemed like an appropriate class to take considering my extensive
personal experiences with grief. It
didn’t occur to me just how relevant this class would be.
I have had intermittent bouts with depression. This past year has introduced new facets of
my own emotional stress. One of the
driving reasons behind getting into school was to help combat my feelings of
self-worth. Almost instantly, I began to
feel satisfied with the challenges my classes were posing. It was a beauty to have the stresses in my
life shift. Instead of lying awake at
night worrying until the wee hours of the morning, I started lying awake at
night evaluating the reading I’d finished that night for my classes. My depression had become an afterthought as
opposed to forethought.
Don’t get me wrong.
I’m still depressed. What’s
different about this depression is how it is truly affecting my
functionality. Before I started classes,
I was struggling to find reasons to get out of bed. There were many days I didn’t want to leave
my house. I would go days without
washing my hair or even putting on clean clothes. I wasn’t doing anything, so what was the
point of changing or making myself presentable?
These days I get out of bed excited to work on an
assignment. I am spending my days
thinking deeper about the subjects I am reading about. I discovered about a week and a half into my
classes that I hadn’t worried about my dad.
Of course he is on my mind constantly.
But, this was a different kind of process. I was thinking about how he was feeling
instead of worrying about what bad news was around the corner. PROGRESS!
I love learning. I
always have. I enjoy broadening my
perspectives and introducing my mind to new ways of processing
information. Because I’m in a fully
engaging mode of thinking, my thought processes have become focused and
organized. The mania that I was once
suffering from has evolved into this structured form of manageable
material. It is easier for me to
evaluate the sources of my frustration and cope thoroughly.
I’m not saying I’ve got everything figured out. But for me, I have gotten miles closer to
that status. Obstacles that are placed
before me are not seen as deterring but empowering. That power is strengthened even more as I am
able to assess the best decision and make it confidently.
My personal life is still a sticky ball of tar. If I wrap my hands around it too tightly, I
can’t let go. But for right now, I’ve
placed it in a corner for another time.
I’m choosing my battles more wisely.
That ball can wait.
Now, when I enrolled in my psychology class I was
excited. I saw the potential for helpful
information in the class description as if it were written specifically for
me. I did NOT take this class to use as
a source of therapy. However, it has
turned out to be just that. I don’t use
the class forums (I’m taking all of my classes online) as a way to air my dirty
laundry or express my grieving demons. I
like to understand things. The more
information I can wrap my head around, the better. I’ve actually had to work beyond the scope of
what my classroom has to offer by way of discussing the subject matter. Each week the discussions get way off
topic. Almost every classmate uses the
forum to bring in his or her personal experiences for everyone to address. To me, that’s not what this class is
for. I’ve had to seek out the
individuals in the class that are trying to achieve the same as I am from this
class.
Each chapter I’ve read has been directly applicable to the
things going on with my dad. It seems as
the class advances, the material is more and more relevant. It’s interesting. As my dad’s health continues to go through
the ups and downs that cancer brings, the class work is truly teaching me how
to more fully understand the big picture of his disease. This past week was parallel to the choices we
are currently facing.
I’m very grateful I decided to take this class. I’m very grateful I’ve chosen to go back to
school and exercise a brain that had become complacent and unchallenged. In the beginning of my decision-making, my
intention was to obtain a nursing degree.
After deeper meditation, I’ve decided my abilities would be best used in
the field of therapy. I am pursuing a
master’s degree in psychology, with emphasis on family and grief counseling.
I have a renewed sense of purpose that is giving me such a
brighter perspective on my life that I feel so excited I could bust. This past Monday, that sense of purpose was validated
in one of the most tragic ways.
A dear friend of mine took his life. We had spent many hours chatting about the
struggles of our lives and the unfairness of certain situations. We talked about self worth. We evaluated what we did for ourselves to
improve our satisfaction. The last time
we had a deep conversation, we spoke at length about the importance of finding
something to occupy our time that served no other purpose than self-gratification. For me, that source is through writing and
singing. I shared with him the power I
felt once I realized how much better about life I felt when I was able to
actively engage in something purely for me.
We talked about what possible avenues he could explore to get him motivated.
I wish with all my heart I could have been able to impact
him or inspire him to make the efforts to improve his emotional burden. I’m so angry with him and yearn to talk to
him every day. Knowing how much pain he
was in was hard with the distance we had between us. I wish I could have taken his grief for my
own so that he could have weightlessly flown toward the better version of
himself he wanted so badly.
I’m not so arrogant to believe I can force a person to
act. I do however; believe I have the
ability to inspire. With a higher
education applied to my personal aptitude to help others, I believe I can be a
powerful resource for people to rely on.
Because of my dear friend, I am determined to achieve that goal. It is with a heavy heart, I thank Geoff for inspiring me to work even harder to find my happy and keep it.
