Patience is
one of the single most annoying traits of the human condition. We all know the
necessity of waiting sometimes. The lack of control in certain outcomes pursued
is nothing short of infuriating. “I can
see the end! It’s right there! Just get there!” Again, that dirty universe sees
something you don’t and there lies the requirement to wait until you see it,
too. Moving in ignorance results in varying degrees of catastrophic results. I’ve
learned that lesson ten times over. Because of past impatience, I have deep scars.
These past five years however, the universe has shown a certain level of
impatience with me!
A lot of
time has been spent crying and disgruntled with the lamenting claim, “When is it
going to be my turn?
” I watched friends and family pursue dreams and achieve
goals. When would those things happen to me? I may have written about this in
the past, but the message bears repeating, not only for myself, but for you.
Turns happen when they’re taken. Opportunities have become more and more
obvious to me. The universe has been cheering me on as I see them and get in
line to take them. My life has moved at a sprint this past year. I’m tired, but
years of preparing for this marathon is keeping me sustained. I have been ready to take my turn.
Last October
the exact limitation I had set on myself was lifted. I have my boys full-time. The
permission to move away from Arizona had been given. It was now up to me to do
it. Career supported it. Finances supported it. Family supported it. Friends supported
it. There was zero inhibition in the advancement of that deeply rooted desire I
had to leave and start totally fresh! The script of affirmations dramatically
changed in that moment of realization. There was nothing stopping it, but me. Sobering
moment to say the least.
Getting to
Tennessee was a dream come true. Watching the world change outside the windows
of the U-Haul kept a lump in my throat. Humility, grace, joy overwhelmed me and
kept consistent tears in my eyes. Not a single sad tear. Pure elation. For months
now, I still have that same feeling. I am spending nearly every single moment
in a state of gratitude, happiness, and peace unlike anything I have ever had
the pleasure of processing.
When I left
Arizona, my affirmation was, “Own my own home within six months.” Everything in
my world was in place to support this. It was up to me to support it back. A partnership
with the universe was of absolute necessity to secure this dream. I started
looking at the houses in the area that fit what the boys and I needed. I had a
short-ish list of wants and needs the house needed to fill. The most important,
was to have a house within walking distance of my daughter. A major reason we
moved here was to be closer to her. The housing market becoming more and more volatile,
shrank the options more and more. Then, I came across a house that met nearly every
requirement. I was in love with it. It was around the corner from Isabelle,
just under 2000 square feet, three bedrooms, closed in back yard, two-stories (laundry
room upstairs!), lots of cabinets in the kitchen, large living room, nice
mixture of flooring types throughout the floorplan, and a private patio off the
master bedroom! This was it!
Having a
conversation with a dear friend, the statement out of their mouth still resonates
through my spine, “Go get your house, Emma.” I made phone calls the next
morning. I already had a pre-approval letter from my lender. I set up an appointment
with the selling agent and saw it that afternoon. Immediately, I could see my
furniture in it. The natural lighting was perfect. The bedrooms were just right
for the boys. The kitchen was better in person than in the pictures. The backyard
was a perfect size for us. This was it. I put in an offer that moment. By that
afternoon, I was under contract to buy the house.
My lingering
ulcer nearly killed me with gorgeous anxiety. I wanted to vomit. But I wasn’t
mad about it. You know, it’s weird when you feel positive anxiety for the first
time. This was a welcome onslaught of nerves. A state park’s worth of butterflies
took up residency in my stomach. In one fell swoop, I entered two months of
barely sleeping. I wasn’t complaining. Lying awake at night and dreaming about
these next steps felt so good.
The inspection
and appraisal were completed within the first week. The appraisal required the
full replacement of the roof. I got a brand-new roof (free to me) on a 15-year-old
house! It delayed the closing by about four weeks, but I wasn’t upset about it.
The initial closing date was set for 19 September and moved to on or before the
14th of October. That gave me the chance to save a few more pennies
to prepare for big costs of moving into the house.
The roof
was replaced, and the post-inspection was scheduled. The agent scheduled the
closing date for the 11th of October. I cried. I cried some more. Those
two months seemed to take forever, but now it was over. The wait was done. The patience
to get this done right paid off and I was in my car driving to Hendersonville,
TN to the title agency to sign the paperwork. In about an hour’s time, I would
be in an office with strangers to close on the biggest accomplishment of my
entire life.
That drive
was intense. I want to really explain how much went through my head. The trees
lining I-24 are one of the biggest reasons I wanted to live here. Fall weather
marked every leaf with rich hues of gold, red, and orange. The evergreens
created a framing compliment to the deciduous trees in their mix. The breeze
crossing the freeway pulled leaves off and sent them across the traffic. My brain
was fixated on every detail during that drive. I could smell, see, and hear everything
in a way I had never processed. I saw colors more vividly. I could make out the
details of the leaves as they fell. Even driving at 70 miles per hour. I couldn’t
stop crying. The universe was imprinting a core memory.
I have
wanted to write a book about my life. Mostly for me. But the biggest reason I
haven’t committed to writing it is because I had no idea how to end it. What
would be the last sentence? What was the happily ever after? There were ideas of
what it looked like, but I wanted to write what I knew. I didn’t want to write
without a purpose. What is the point of sharing my story if it doesn’t have a
phenomenal ending of triumph? Was the climax finally finding the love that
would last? Was it the moment my boys graduated from high school and moved enthusiastically
into their next chapter? Then, this drive revealed it to me. The happily ever after
was fully ending the life in Arizona and living for myself. Dependent on ONLY
ME!
I was
buying a house on my own. It was my credit and income sustaining this purchase.
My name is the only one listed on the title! Man, that simple sentence
has profound impact on my soul. After years of believing buying a house was done
with a partner, that belief was being redefined with every inch my car travelled
to the title agency. This was the epitome of independence. It struck me
violently and the tears already watering the corners of my eyes, began to fall
hard. I am on my own.
Closure manifested.
The puzzle piece hidden between the floorboard and the carpet showed itself. I picked
it up and placed it. I no longer needed another person to help me identify who I
am. Despite effectively convincing myself that I didn’t need external
validation to feel good about myself, this moment was the tangible evidence of
that truth. Every moment, decision, and event lead to this exact experience. My
shoulders and neck immediately cracked from the release of that weight. My posture,
even while sitting in the driver’s seat, straightened instantly. I felt new creases
of lines around my eyes as I smiled a smile I had never worn before. This was
true self-satisfaction. I no longer felt sad about anything. The break-up I just
went through no longer hurt. Nothing hurt. I was finally done grieving. That
drive was intense.
No one was
with me while I signed those papers. It was supposed to be only me. I deserved
to feel every ounce of this jubilation without a single distraction. Good grief.
If you have the chance to independently feel the pride of a job well done
absent external input, do it! It was better than sex. Better than the best bite
of food. Better than a fresh towel out of the dryer wrapped around you after a
relaxing bath. More indulgent than a snuck bowl of ice cream in the middle of
the night without having to share it with your kids. Full-blown onslaught of
all the most positive emotions you can imagine coursing through you simultaneously.
I could
have bought a house two years ago. Something kept me from it. There wasn’t a
peace with the decision. So, I didn’t. Today, I now know why the peace wasn’t
there. Buying a house in Arizona wasn’t my path. Truly rooting myself in the
town that had both destroyed me and made me wasn’t right. Deep down, I always knew
that my roots belonged somewhere east of the Mississippi River. Maybe Georgia,
Alabama, or one of the Carolinas. I have felt a pull this direction for a while
now. Seeing Tennessee for the first time in November of 2020, I could see
myself living there. The universe forced my patience and helped guide me toward
the path it had for me. Ever since the decision was made to move here, every
single moment has been met with positive outcomes and I’m enjoying the peace
that comes from patience.
It feels so
very good to have so many good things to write about lately. I’m so tired of writing
about the trials of life and the challenges that I’ve had to figure out. I feel
all the comfort of finally reaching the end of years of grieving. I’m not
depressed anymore. I’m not sad anymore. I’m just smiling all the time and
finding the positive in damn near everything with a poetic ease. I love it. I can’t
wait to see what else the world has for me to explore. It’s just me and these
little men I’m trying to set a good example for. I want to show them what it’s
like to have a mother who is at peace. I hope when they’re older, they remember
this past year and recognize the significance of it.
None of
this is luck. None of this is chance. This is all on purpose. The ups and downs
were necessary for me to be in the best state of mind to accept these joys
without hesitation. I can’t wait to see what’s next.
