I’m trying to acclimate to Sierra Vista. Things are going well...despite new challenges being faced here on the home front. My car (which is driven regularly) has decided it has had enough of us and has started throwing very expensive temper tantrums. Fabulous. That is really nothing too much to handle considering the much larger fish I’m currently frying.
My daughter has grown up so much in the few months I have been gone. It has been fun getting to know the young woman I have living in my house. Alex is on cloud nine having all of his space and toys back at his disposal. I swear, the kid remembered every single item he loves. Getting into the rhythm of my house after the time of separation has proven to be a little rough. I’ll get it back...I am immensely grateful for the patience my daughter has with me right now.
I haven’t had much time to recuperate. Not that I expected to be given such a thing. I am still a mom. There’s no rest for a mom. Well, there is. It’s called sleep. But, battling the junk bug I got a few days before I left Oregon has left a lot to be desired by way of rest. I’m exhausted.
The question I am hearing every day, “Are you going to go back to Oregon?” is hard to answer. My first inclination is, No. But, there’s this lingering doubt and apprehension I have in fully committing to that answer. I struggle deeply with priorities. How do you sort them accordingly when they are all so important?
As far as my dad goes, things aren’t awesome. Yes. He has cancer. The word awesome usually doesn’t coincide with cancer unless you’re referring to a last chemo session. In that regard, we are miles away from such a milestone. I got his latest lab results today. Two cycles of chemotherapy in a row have proved pointless. When we first started this whole thing, his M-spike was at 1.46. That is below the threshold of being considered Stage III. After the first round, the number came down significantly to 1.24. We were instantly hopeful that this approach was going to be successful.
At the end of the 4th cycle of chemotherapy, the results went up. He had come down to 1.08 in three cycles. The 4th cycle indicated an increase in cancer cells rising up to 1.24 (or thereabouts). Today’s results showed 1.31. The chemo isn’t working.
When the doctor saw the results of the last lab report, he became instantly proactive in adding an oral chemotherapy in addition to his IV therapy. After a few phone calls and getting in touch with an amazing organization, he’ll begin that therapy on Friday. He’ll have to take a pill every day until one of two things happen. One: The cancer dies. Two: He develops side effects with potential permanent damage called neuropathy (numbness in fingers and toes).
I was able to ask a few questions of the doctor on Monday in regards to this new drug. There were a few things I wasn’t entirely clear about. I wanted to know why this drug above all the other options and if there would be a “break” period similar to what my dad gets now on the IV chemotherapy. This drug has the highest success rate. It isn’t FDA approved, but my dad doesn’t fall into the category of concern for the reasons why it has not passed regulations. As far as a break? No. He explained this would be taken every day in the hopes of getting the cancer to remission. The main complaint of patients on this drug was fatigue. That isn’t something my dad has really had to deal with so far. He’s not excited about that aspect, but you take what you get in the pursuit of health. The second complaint is the neuropathy. Apparently, it’s quite common.
When my dad received his last dose of the fifth cycle, he showed some signs of ailment. His voice had been froggy and he just didn’t look real good. The nurse took labs right then and there to check out the status of his blood counts. He’d reached one of the common stages of chemotherapy when the immune system reaches a really low point. The nurse sent home some information about what he needed to do and what we as co-habitants needed to do. Sanitization Death-Con 4. Super hand washing and more frequent cleaning of bedding. Stuff like that. He didn’t need to invert to a bubble, but close.
We all knew that point would come. It was weird to have it happen. Seeing him look weaker and weaker was hard but then being told the just how weak he is was unsettling. I kicked into business mode and trucked on through....then I got sick. It was awful to have a fever and avoid contact with him or his things. So far, he has not gotten sick. Knock on wood.
The waiting game continues. There is no way of knowing just what is going to be next from one cycle to the next. I cross my finger and hope things are working. Two times in a row has taken a toll on my optimism. We were sailing towards a good place. Positive thoughts were abundant when we thought things were going to be able to be managed. The management team has failed. I can only hope he’s going to have a better success with the combination of the new drug. We’ll know in about 30 days.
There are things I want to commit to here. I want to get back into the life I was living before cancer. I am having a hard time finding conviction, with the possibility of things needing to be once again placed on hold. In the past I’ve thought, “Shit or get off the pot.” Well. That doesn’t apply to this situation. Everything is out of my hands. I can literally do nothing to take away the disease and set the road back where it was. The road is being repaved and I can’t see where the construction is headed.
I’m stressed out. I’m torn. I’m helpless. I’m not quite defeated, but I am familiar with this territory. I feel guilty for being away from my kids and husband for so long. But I know that I would have equal guilt if I hadn’t gone. That part sucks. There’s a myriad of other issues I’m working out that are no less out of my control. I vent and I brood. I don’t know what I need to take care of my right now except to push forward and not get swallowed in the wallow. The pity party is swinging, but I’m not ready to go in and join. I have thought about having a drink about it, but have refrained. I continue to journal like a mad woman and God bless anyone who ever reads my private words. People with degrees would be baffled...
Things that are making me happy right now:
(In no order of importance or impact.)
My stupid fingernails. HA!
My growing music library.
My bed.
My husband’s adoration.
My kids and their developing personalities.
My siblings and my extended family.
My Passion Parties business.
Surprisingly those things are just enough to keep me from the wallow. Those are the forces pushing me into the sun and out of the dark places of my mind. I bought myself a Bravelet (www.bravelet.com) in the color of awareness for Multiple Myeloma. It’s gorgeous and I love it and it’s a little way to keep me smiling. I ordered another one today in honor of my mother.
I found it weird that both of my parents were diagnosed with something “Multiple”.
I’m overdue for some social interaction and some painful laughter. Please call me and help a sister out!
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