I just love it when my whole body tingles with excitement
over something new and wonderful coming into view on my horizon. It shows me the efforts I’m making are taking
shape and coming within reach. There are
frequent cases of awesome occurring daily in my life.
My daughter is doing well in school and socially. She’s had a great start to the new school
year and is getting increasingly excited about obtaining her learner’s permit
to drive. I’d be lying if I said I
shared her sentiment. Needless to say,
I’m apprehensive at best. But, I do
however; remember vividly the thrill of that rite of passage. I’m not impeding her joy. I’m just not reveling in it with her. I’m really sort of anxious in a bad way. As I’m sure my parents were when I started
floating on air at the mere mention of driving the car myself.
I am not in denial as to her maturing. It’s staring me in the face every day. I am not enjoying it, though. There are so many things that are about to
start for her that she’s so excited about.
Dating for example. Ick. I am going to have to really balance the
overwhelming and over-protective parent with the lenient parent she needs in
order to not hate me. So far, she’s been
open and somewhat honest with me about whom she considers her boyfriend. Ew.
Boyfriend.
Alex is a ball of energy and personality. He’s forming more and more sentences and it’s
just incredible to listen to him try to communicate with me on a more mature
level. His little voice saying some of
the new words in his vocabulary are so fun to hear. He’s very expressive and outgoing. He sings all the time. He has a knack for mimicking sounds of all
types and incorporates them into his dialogue.
That is also quite entertaining to witness.
I’m looking into getting him into a school setting. As soon as I figure out whether I’ll be
working full-time or attending school full-time, I’ll know what I’ll be able to
afford. But, he’s yearning for more
interaction with other little people and I feel like I’m letting him down
depriving him of that. If all goes
according to the way I’d like it to, he’ll be starting early learning within a
month.
With the positive, there must be negative. It’s the vicious reality of life. The negatives I’m dealing with right now are heavy
and often inhibiting. I’m fighting
depression. I’m aware of it, which helps
me stay away from its depths.
Nevertheless, the fight is constant.
There are only a few things I’d like to make happen that I know will
immediately stymie the blues.
My dad had a very hopeful consult with doctors in Seattle
about a month ago. We, as a family, saw
things in a more uplifting way as soon as the plans were laid out. After the appointment, we knew there was more
information needed in order to actively move forward. One piece of information was the progress or
lack of progress in a few places in my dad’s body. His spine and his femurs were areas of
concern. About two weeks ago, we got
those results as well as new blood results.
The M-spike count at the time of his appointment in Seattle
was 1.1. Two weeks ago, it was
1.48. Not good. The goal is less than 1 in order to move
forward with a bone marrow transplant.
The doctors were optimistic they’d be able to achieve that threshold
with the load of chemotherapy they had him on.
They gave him a boost in white blood cells so his body could more
efficiently handle the ferocity of the chemo.
Despite that effort, his numbers climbed. Because of the lack of ability to gain
control on the cancer, the likelihood of a bone marrow transplant is becoming
slimmer and slimmer.
The tumors on his femurs turned out to be the same size they
were in June. That’s great! No need for any surgery there at this
point. They’ll continue to monitor those
tumors and take care of it when the need arises. The news wasn’t as great when it came to the
tumor on his spine. That has grown and
it is threatening paralysis. As soon as
the doctor saw this, he set him up for radiation treatment. He is currently receiving radiation on his
spine. Once the treatment is complete,
he will have had radiation 10 treatments.
Basically, we’re back to the treatment plan of maintaining
the cancer to the best of the chemotherapies ability. Hopefully, it will be sufficient enough to
keep him as functional as possible for as long as possible. Fingers are crossed that we will be able to
find a chemo that will just go in and obliterate the cancer and get us back on
track to the transplant! Keep him in
your thoughts and prayers.
As far as my personal goals and accomplishments go, things
are in somewhat of a progressive state.
I started my new job on the 23rd of August and things are
moving well in that regard. I’m enjoying
the clerical aspect of what I’m doing and I’m learning more and more about financial
planning.
I’m in a holding pattern for school. I hope to know what will be next for school
within the next couple of weeks. My
application is in the processing portion of approval. I’m not very optimistic things will pan out
there, but I’m holding onto hope that it will come together for me. If it doesn’t, I’ll be actively pursuing a
full-time job. I have to do something to
get me on my own two feet.
I’m working on getting a literary agent to finally get some
kind of progress made in the publication of my children’s books. I’ve been less than aggressive in the
fulfillment of that goal. That is
changing daily. I’m actively pursuing
all avenues available in order to gain the proper advocacy in getting my books
on shelves as soon as possible. If you
know of any one who does this kind of work, please, please let me know and help
me get in touch with them. Any help in
this adventure would be greatly appreciated.
I write in my journal at least weekly and I’m paying close
attention to the emotional place I’m in.
I’m fully aware of the depression I’m experiencing and I’m trying very
hard to keep myself away from fully succumbing to the pitfalls. It’s a daily challenge and staying focused on
the positive things happening in my life is imperative. Remaining vigilant in self-progression is the
key and working around the negatives that seem to consistently pop up is my
daily battle.
I now that things can take time to work themselves out. Having gone through significant depression in
the past has helped me maintain awareness.
I have good days and really bad ones.
It is hard to see the good in things when there is a lot of bad. Depression is a terrible beast that wants to
drown its victims. I’m treading water
and staying, at the very least, afloat.
What I want in life is apparently not quite what I’ll
get. Despite the outlook I have in
regards to those desires, what will actually happen doesn’t exactly line
up. Life’s this constant ebb and flow of
have and have not. It would sure be nice
if I could have for a little while. Just
enough to keep me optimistic would be appreciated. Realism has totally taken over any level of
optimism I once had. I hate the
callousness of reality. There’s nothing
sugary or sweet at all about it. A cheery
disposition is becoming a fairytale perspective. Once a couple things that I want come to
pass, I feel I will find that encouraging enough to feel more optimism.
By the way…
If you know of anyone that wants to buy a house, send him or
her my way! That would definitely dispel
negativity!
There would be no positive without negative. And vice versa. This teeter and totter between the two is
slowly gaining some balance. I feel
confident in my endeavors and know that soon things will take shape. I know that those things won’t happen without
persistence and perseverance. I’m not
becoming deterred in my goals. The mantra
is “It is what it is.” I’m working towards
making what is what I want.
