Prologue
There is zero chance I will make it out of this existence
knowing everything. The universe takes every opportunity to keep that reality
in check. When I left Arizona last year, I was open to whatever the universe
had in store for me. I was recently reminded of a solid quote, “Change happens
when the fear of the unknown is less than the pain of the known.” The pain I
was in before I moved made the move feel like a vacation to the Bahamas. Did I
have fantasies about what I wanted out of this choice? Absolutely. Did they
turn out? Sort of. This year’s blog for the year has shaped a narrative that
needs partitioned delivery. Too many things came to a greater understanding
that I want to give their proper credence.
I suppose there’s this natural order to events that we all
somewhat expect. We’re born, we endure high school/college, get married, have
kids, get a house, build a career, send kids to college, marry them off, have
grandkids, enjoy the latter years, then you die. The trope of existence is
lackluster when the milestones of life are itemized like a grocery list. The
details in those moments are what make the movies and books. This year, I
knocked a few of those items off the list and let me tell you; the details were
not in any book or movie I’ve read or seen. The year 2023 was my biggest coming
of age chapter, yet.
Part One.
I rang in 2023 in southern Illinois somewhere. No clue where
I was and didn’t care. I had on a smokin’ hot dress, bangin’ shoes, and was at
a masquerade party in a speak easy. Solid. The entire night didn’t go how I
would have written it, but it set the tone for the rest of the year in a way I
am only able to recognize now. For the first time in my adult life, I enforced
a boundary in a moment I was truly vulnerable. It could have gone several wrong
ways. Fortunately, I controlled the outcome. Nothing like a little sexual
assault to kick off a new year! I held my own with dignity and that dude was
humbled by a chick he outweighed and outsized.
Over the following few weeks of that experience, I went
through several stages of evaluation. None of them included any kind of regret
or shame. Which maybe should cause one to pause and seek additional therapy, but
somehow this world has heaped an ample supply of audacity on my personality. I
came away from that feeling empowered. I used my voice and protected my peace.
Wholly. There’s a basket of collateral damage that comes with that kind of
experience, though. I got a little colder/harder. Which is saying a lot,
because I’m already colder than I want to be. How I emotionally came away from
that, set in motion a series of emotional introspective events.
It occurred to me that I rarely give myself the grace to fully
embrace my feelings. This was by no means the first time I’ve experienced
something like this. However, this was the first time I went into a full,
healthy preservation. Letting the anger, rage, disappointment, and betrayal
settle on my body took me on a ride. It opened my eyes to just how simply I can
rewrite an experience to a state of acceptance. For the first time, I was able
to recognize the birth of a delusion and exactly how my mind does it as a
defense mechanism.
To be honest, it felt rude to disrupt a behavior I have been
quite comfortable with. What’s wrong with creating a new narrative? Isn’t that
the power of perception being harnessed? Isn’t perception reality? If I
perceive a bad situation as one that I grew from and handled better than a
previous version of myself, is that necessarily a bad thing? The answer is a
resounding, yes! For this situation, it isn’t a good thing that I was so
quickly able to explain away something that hurt me. What this experience showed
me is that my seemingly healthy coping skill is in fact contributing to
neglecting the big picture/perspective.
I stepped back and investigated some past pain to see what
narrative I changed to wrap myself in comfort. Frequently. Here’s what I was
able to understand; I can make the best of just about any situation. Especially
a situation where I’m wildly uncomfortable. I was able to trace the reason why
I do this. I have removed those roots and left them on the side of the path
I’ve already paved. Now that I can see how and why I do that, it improved my
ability to enforce boundaries. Never have I had the wisdom to protect my peace
with calm tenacity.
Wouldn’t it be cool if we could use some of our mental
defects like that on our resume? Effective ability to create a sense of serenity
whilst sitting in a burning room. The years I’ve spent telling myself lies
to safeguard my feelings from the truth came at me like a Mack truck. So many
things I have hidden from myself for the sake of a perceived safety. What is
even more frustrating for me is picking through pivotal events and identifying
the clues and the obvious outcomes I could have seen sooner.
There is a fine line between empathy and delusion. To put
yourself in another’s shoes to find synthetic sympathy isn’t always easy to do.
It is a good thing to find ways to relate to each other. It’s a valiant effort
to find ways to understand what makes another person the way they are. Where it
can get dangerous is when finding understanding starts to turn into
justification of bad behavior. I am an Olympic gold medalist in that level of
mental and emotional athleticism. The list of people I have permitted to treat
me like shit because I created a sense of understanding is truly embarrassing.
This year brought to me a new aspect of internet. In these
months of reclusive living, I have turned to the fellow humans of the internet
in sharing thoughts, musings, ideas, struggles, joys, theories, etc. To say
it’s been enlightening is an understatement. Information overload. The internet
therapists have been interesting. I’ve been frequently inspired to consider new
ways to look at something or feel about something. It was comforting to see so
many people exactly like me that have this uncanny ability to turn a yuck into
a yum and vice versa. The delusional are plenty.
This year, I learned that I’ll never fully be void of
creating artistic delusion. I’m ok with this. Now that I know what I do when
I’m in a state of any type of fear, those delusions will be meticulously
dissected to a healthy level and not one capable of blinding me from the truth.
It’s acceptable to soften some of the hard things I can’t control. Those are
the delusions I can allow. Situations I can control, you can bet your sweet ass
I will face those with all the fervor of a feral cat! I have been paying closer
attention.
To say I’m not lonely would be a massive lie. I am extremely
lonely. With zero hesitation, I would hands down prefer being lonely than
living in any more delusions. This year I learned that being alone is not as
bad as it has been before. This version of myself is content and truly
experiencing peace. I’ve been afraid of being this kind of alone because of how
easily my depression can reemerge. 2023 has been the year of meaningful
isolation. I used to be terrified of being alone too long with my own head. Living
in my new Tennessee reality is not scary at all. It’s been the most fulfilling
year and becoming one of my favorite years.
