I’ve been getting asked “Why are you moving,” a lot these past few weeks. There’s also the inquiry as to the location. Of course, there’s a story. There’s always a story. But, the reality of it narrows down to this answer, “Why, not?”
Is there family there? Yes. Am I moving to be closer to family? Yes. Is that family staying there long term? Possibly not. Are you going to move when the family does? No. Do you know people there? Not really. What will you do if your family isn’t there anymore? Stay. Why? Because of the story.
Never in a million years did I see myself staying in this town as long as I have. When I was in high school, my aspirations were to get an English degree, move to New York and get a Masters degree in journalism at Cornell. I wanted to find my angle and travel as much as possible to tell the stories. Alas, choices were made that changed the entire trajectory of that ideal. As the years passed, I continuously dreamt of finding somewhere different. More choices thwarted that desire.
When I got divorced, I had the opportunity to move. The support of that endeavor lacking, I yet again made choices that locked me down for what seemed like the rest of my life. I’ve already written about how I’ve come to this moment. Today, I am less than 30 days away from this becoming real. So real that my emotions simply can’t keep up. Today, more than ever before I know why I’m doing this massive upheaval of everything I’ve been familiar with. Because I can.
There are many folks I am going to miss tremendously. There are so many core memories this place has imprinted. I am deeply in love with the joys and pains of these past 30 years. However, there’s something to be said about how much joy, fear, passion, and validation I’m feeling throughout my body at the mere mention of this journey I’m about to make.
I am not scared to totally start over. In fact, the true person I am has been desperately seeking this kind of resurrection. Seeing the road behind me, the ashes and rubble piled sporadically on the sides of the road, only validates the resilience in my fervor to pursue better for myself. If I continue to stay where I am, I fear I will only secure a repeated history lesson.
If I stay, I will cease to grow to the potential I’m still aching to see in who I am. Challenge is the only way I grow. Adversity is the only way to expose my truest forms of vulnerability. Opportunity taken is the only way to see if I am prepared. Struggle is the best way to elevate my perspective and enhance the clarity of choice. It’s being at a crossroad that I’ve created that is really forcing me to realize how much control I truly possess in my outcomes. Holy crap is it intimidating to stare the universe in the face and say, “Hold my beer.”
I turn 42 tomorrow. All truth, tomorrow is not going to be an easy day. I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve had crippling anxiety preparing for it. I’ve lost sleep and my nerves are shot. I’m exhausted to a degree I have never felt. My head and heart are in unity despite all this chaos coursing through my central nervous system. I’ve been on the cusp of tears for weeks because of this build up of so many components converging simultaneously and demanding attention. As I acknowledge these feelings and cope through them to the best of my ability, there is this metronome steadily beating in the back of my mind. “Get to Tennessee.”
Why not take an opportunity to do something drastic when it shakes your hand and pulls you in for a hug? Why not throw every ounce of trepidation out the window and trust the wisdom life has given? Why not take heed to the voice telling you exactly what you’re supposed to do? Why not give into the truths you know? Why not trust your strength? Why not take a step towards the version of yourself you’ve been silencing?
There is such a calming peace at the center of this storm raging around me right now. As the thunder attempts to make me shudder, the peace at the center hasn’t failed to consistently pull me in and shelter me. Focus. Lots of focus. Temptation has slid into my DMs, and I have hit delete. I know that this choice I’m making is going to fulfill me in ways I can’t understand right now. I’m pushing through the chaos and maintaining focus on the version of me that awaits after the storm.
I know exactly what happens to me if I don’t take this opportunity to move. Why I’m the hell would I want to continue to live in such predictable monotony? I’ve outgrown this book. I’ve read it a few times. It’s boring now. Time to set up a new plot. This is a delectable bittersweet choice to take on. But, why not?
