I frequently lay in bed and think of things to write. Nearly every evening, I go about my routines
and procrastinate writing. I fear the
things I want to say will eventually wind up becoming a published work. So, instead of just removing my filter, I wind
up editing myself into utter silence.
It’s maddening really. There are
so many thoughts I would love to share, but feel that the ultimate price for
said exposure would be costly.
That being said, here are the things I was able to mete out for you to read at your leisure.
Update on My Dad:
My dad is currently on the path towards a bone marrow
transplant. If the drugs are able to get
his cancer to the optimum level within the anticipated time frame, we’re
looking at potential transplantation taking place within the next three
months. This is a good thing! He went to Seattle last week to see
specialists who work all day on nothing but curing and treating cancer. It was his turn to seek their counsel and
plans. They didn’t present anything as
optional. I appreciate that.
The bone damage that has taken place in my dad’s body is
irreversible. The only thing the doctors
can do is strengthening him to the best of their ability. Currently, he has several areas with bone
loss and weakened density. In
particular, there are a few of places that cause concern. His spine and his femurs.
The scans the doctor in Seattle looked at were from
June. The first thing on this agenda is
to get new scans and assess any growth since June. If there is growth, radiation will happen
nearly immediately. If the tumor on his
spine continues to grow, my dad is running the risk of paralysis. The doctor obviously doesn’t want that to
happen and is responding accordingly.
He also has two considerably sized tumors on both
femurs. Those will be treated similarly
with radiation, based on the results of the new scans. If they’re growing, the doctor is going to
try to stop it. Depending on the
severity of the growth (if they have grown) the possibility of surgery
to support the bones in effort to prevent fracturing will be discussed.
I think it goes without saying the severity of broken femurs.
All in all, the doctor seemed confident in their ability to treat his
cancer and gett him to transplant!
When all is said and done, over the course of the next six months, he’ll
be looking at gaining at least about 5 years to his life and most of that
living in remission! If things go
incredibly well, he stands the chance of 10 plus years. Not too shabby!
The doctor said his particular cancer isn’t very
aggressive. If he had remained on the
same treatment he’s been on since November, he would have continued to live for
at least 5 years. His body is healthy
and he’s withstanding the treatment fairly well considering. So, seeing a new doctor at this stage in his
treatment has not been an indicator of wasted time. Meaning, they would have been treating him
quite similarly as his doctor has in his town.
He is tired but still working nearly full time. He takes breaks when he needs to so he
doesn’t overexert himself. He is up and
moving around and staying as busy as his body permits. He is in good spirits with this new plan and
sounds to me to be optimistic!
Continue to keep him and his health care providers in your
thoughts and prayers. Despite his cancer
being very painful and the therapy being very exhausting, he’s been keeping up
with a lot of his lifestyle. He misses
riding his bike and doing the exercise he was consistently doing prior to the
circumstances.
***
As for me, things are basically at a standstill. I’m still trying and hoping to sell this
house. The process in finding the right
buyer is proving to be just as daunting as I had predicted. I’m debating lowering the price, but
desperation hasn’t taken over quite yet.
I’m not going to start school as I had intended this
fall. I delayed too long in getting my
financial affairs in order. As it
stands, I should be able to start classes mid-term or first thing in the spring
semester. I’m a little disappointed in
myself, but alas, this too shall pass.
I’m strongly debating finding full time work. With school being pushed back a little, it
puts me in a snug spot. I’m meeting with
a potential employer tomorrow about working part-time. I’m feeling a little apprehensive about it at
the moment. We’ll see how the
conversation goes tomorrow. Part-time
doesn’t help me much when I need to find daycare for Alex. I’d essentially be working to pay a
sitter. That is nearly pointless.
My social life has been practically non-existent and it’s
sometimes depressing but other times just what I need. Inner reflection is constant. I’m coming to my own terms on things with minimal
input and that’s not a terrible thing.
When I need my head yanked from my posterior, I have two friends able
and willing. I love them dearly for
their ability to love me so.
Finding my purpose this late in life is a kick to the
ovaries. I know what I love to do and I
adore being a mother. Finding my footing
under these new sets of circumstances is terrifying. Getting paid, as a full time singer is pretty
much pipe dreaming and getting paid to stay home with children is not
likely. Wanting things to be a certain
way and not being able to have them as such is frustrating. The control nut that I am obsessively good at, is a hindrance.
I’m learning a lot about myself…again. This new perspective I have is graphic and
difficult to swallow. However, it is so
massively necessary for me to see things this way in order for me to grow. I’m recognizing aspects of my character. Particularly the ones that started out as
being a positive foundation in my life, that have now turned into flaws. It’s tricky trying to balance the amount I need
to stay me and remove the amounts that end up hurting me.
I worry I’m becoming too callous. I’m conscious of that and I’m working
tirelessly to have enough soft for me to be a good mother. Right now it’s beyond challenging. I mentally check myself daily. I’m angry and that is a very exhausting
emotion. The effect it has on the rest
of my emotions is hard to even articulate.
I find that my patience is thin.
My compassion is shallow. My give-a-damn
is just about busted. Knowing all of
that, keeps me from being a total bitch on wheels. Hopefully.
Because I’m going through all of this emotional hoopla, I’ve
found it is considerate to avoid too many social settings. I certainly don’t want to jeopardize any
friendships because I’m short on empathy.
I don’t want to be that girl who sits around and constantly complains
about how irritating her life is. So, I keep
it to myself and the select few I trust.
Once again, I’m suffering the truth in friendship. This is one subject matter I find most
distressing to filter. I want to be blatant
and honest about how epically I’ve been screwed over, but it will do nothing
positive for my karma. I need all the
good that circle has to offer. My only
words are, if you call yourself a friend to any person, be a friend and all
that that entails.
