Sunbeam!

Finding something you’re good at is priceless.  It instantly becomes a constant resource for the quality of your self-esteem.  More time should be dedicated towards finding at least one thing that makes you shine.  No matter how miniscule the little talent may be, you should never shy away from that beaming light.

Recently, I was told there was only one thing I do that lit me up.  Just one.  I was taken aback at this acknowledgement.  Really?  Only one thing lights me up?  Either that person is blind, or I have a seriously overinflated opinion of myself.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt of at least ten things I do that I’m not only good at, but it lights me up.

Over the years there have been several times I’ve lost sight of the things I’m good at.  Life kicks you in the ovaries/nuts and self-pity and an affinity for self-deprecation create blindness when trying to see what we’re worth.  It’s a hard fight sometimes to refocus on what makes us tick and what flips our lids.  But, when we rediscover those individual facets of our make-up it makes dealing with those blows a lot more manageable. 

Talent takes so many different shapes.  We tend to instantly associate talent with performing arts or creativity.  I think a more acute perspective on things you’re good at is more appropriate.  We’re not all Beyoncé or Van Gogh.  We’re not all Martha Stewart or Kristin Chenoweth.  We are all however, capable and full of potential in our own little ways.

My mother was a gifted singer.  Whenever she was able to participate in church choirs or even karaoke, she lit the room.  I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and described my mother as a singer.  I remember my mother’s talent for love.  She was an unconditional nurturer and reveled in the rewards of motherhood.  She had such passion for children and had an innate capacity to love all of them, despite the challenges posed.

Take some time this week to verbally identify what you’re particularly good at doing.  Whether it’s being good with a budget or having a heightened awareness of cleanliness, those are talents.  Don’t dismiss things you do that make you happy because of the quality of the product.  If you do something well and it fulfills you in even a silly little way, celebrate it and do it often! 

Just to help you get your ball rolling:

I’m good at matching color schemes from memory.  No need for paint chips or swatches.  If I see it in a store, I’ll instantly know if it’ll work in a room or not.

(Completely worthless…I will never be paid for that.  But it keeps me from having to return to the store to return something or exchange it.  That saves me time and money!)

Know-It-All

It’s a super power.  Knowing everything comes with great responsibility and even greater consequences.  I’ve been accused of being harsh and hard to handle.  I suppose I’m even hard to be around myself.  It is very easy for me to analyze a situation and determine the best logical outcome.  There have been several instances I have tried to convince another of my aptitude for reasoning to no avail.  In all truth, knowing everything sucks.

There’s going to be a lot of ego oozing out of this blog, so you may want to be ready to clean your screen.

Yesterday it was confirmed to me just how well I figure things out.  Especially in the current circumstances, I continue to have very comprehensive answers.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have given my marriage all I could.  I have coached and pleaded in effort to fortify.  What I have realized time and again is it’s only successful if there is a team working together towards the same achievement.  If only one person is giving their all and the other is relying on the other to manage it all, it is going to fail.

Here’s what has to be present for a solid marriage:

Trust

Respect

Faith

Support

Communication

Love

Trust:

You must trust your partner.  Implicitly.  If you don’t have full trust in each other, that splits cracks in the whole union.  You have to be able to trust each other to take care of each other.  You must be able to trust your partner with all the details of your soul.  There has to be trust in every single aspect of the relationship.  

It’s easy to simplify understanding trust by telling yourself or each other that you trust them to be out with their friends and not cheat on you.  You have to be able to trust that your partner is always thinking of you first.  You have to trust them to have integrity.  That integrity plays out in how they talk about you, how they treat you, and how they communicate with you.  If you fully trust one another in the safe keeping of your hearts, the foundation of your relationship is already laid with solidarity.

Respect:

If you trust your partner, it should be a piece of cake to respect them.  Respect takes so many forms.  Respecting each other’s roles in the relationship is the starting point.  The very purpose of being in a committed relationship is complimenting each other.  One has what the other doesn’t.  Respecting those differences is key.  Where one is strong and the other weak, respecting that and aiding each other to fill those voids only increases the depth of the respect and ultimately the appreciation of each other.

Respecting feelings is so important.  Even if one half of the relationship feels differently, the other has to respect the difference and allow that person to feel however they do.  If true respect is present, the automatic response to your partner’s feelings is to support and encourage.  If need be, repair.

Faith:

I’m sure your first inclination is to think spiritually.  Where that can certainly be understood and aptly applied to most relationships, I’m referring to faith in each other.  If you trust and respect each other you have no choice but to have constant faith in each other.

You need to be constantly optimistic about the potential of each other.  Placing faith in each other’s achievements and goals is so powerful.  It’s one thing to say you believe in each other, it’s a whole new level when you apply that faith and push the other to succeed.  No matter what the goal is.  Having full faith in the empowerment of the other rewards the relationship over and over.  If you’re constantly building each other up and putting your faith in each other the sky is literally the limit.

Support:

This one gets tricky.  What does support actually mean?  For me, it means loving and listening unconditionally.  When the subject is uncomfortable or challenging, a good partner is there as a built-in pillow.  Each person needs to set aside selfishness, frequently, to provide emotional sustainment.  That’s one of the beauties of a unity.  You can always count on the other to help you through life’s trials.  You’re never truly alone. 

It is so necessary to support each other through it all.  If one is falling behind, it is the responsibility of the other to catch them up.  At no time should either be left alone to cope with anything.  There’s not a lot of “me” in a marriage.  It’s that way on purpose.

Communication:

Say what you mean.  Be true to yourself aloud.  If you leave your partner out of the inner workings of your head, you’re setting yourself up for heartache.  How can anyone know how you feel unless you tell them?  Be a good listener when it’s not your turn.  Open your heart and mind to true understanding of where the other is coming from. 

Guys, don’t hold things back thinking it’ll just fix itself.  If you think she’s upset, ask her.  Don’t ask her if she’s ok.  Ask open-ended questions that force more than a yes or no.  For the love of God, please be willing to listen to the answer.

Girls, relax and remember you think things far more complexly than he does.  Don’t overanalyze simple things.  You’ll know if he’s not ok.  Just pay attention.  At the risk of sounding crass:  Put out.  It goes such a long way.

Talk about things and let things naturally progress.  If there’s a problem, address it as an opportunity.  Setting the tone of the conversation dictates the outcome.  Remember you trust, respect, support, and have faith in each other.  There’s no sense in beating each other up. 

Love:

I am bringing this one in last because love is built into all the above.  I don’t believe in marriages surviving solely based on love.  “Love is all we need” is a farce.  Love is only the jumping off point towards the fulfillment of the other attributes in a strong bond.

Obviously you love one another.  Otherwise why would you spend time with each other so much?  But in order to have a marriage that can truly stand the test of life, the aforementioned elements must be intact.

***

I have known all of this for a long time.  I could probably write a book on each of those topics.  What I know is from what I’ve learned.  They are the answers to the tests I’ve either failed or passed. 

I’ve beaten statistics.  I’ve compromised and evolved.  I’m a very different person than I thought I would be when I was fifteen.  Hell, I’m even different than how I envisioned myself five years ago.  But who is actually who they thought they would be?  We can’t predict the future.  But we can dictate outcomes.  We can set ourselves on a path and determine boundaries and expectations.  We can learn from errors and grow from loss.

If you’re in a marriage with a looming sense of disparity, evaluate what’s missing.  Talk about it.  Talk about it with an intent to repair.  See what follows and work with what you’ve got.  If you want a healthy and solid relationship with your partner, fight for it.  Nothing is handed to us.  Nothing. 

Take it from a girl who has gone through it all, sadly.  Learn from my mistakes.  I can tell you exactly where things have gone wrong.  I can define the very moment things turned in the wrong direction.  My hindsight is bright and 20/20 and I'm on a path of constant enlightenment.  I have an opportunity here to truly learn.  Learn about me and learn about what I need and what I want.  I'm getting a clearer and clearer picture.

I can say this;  I will never repeat those mistakes again.