There is one thing I know for sure: I am the only one who can interfere with my
own success. Understanding that has been
the big lesson that 2017 taught me. This
past year has been ripe with triumph.
For the first time in my life, I had to figure some stuff out on my
own. Alone
is a word that has usually struck a chord of terror throughout my being. Being alone this past year brought me a new
sense of comfort and understanding of who I am, on my own.
Coming from a large family, moving immediately into a
married life with children, and then having family in and out of my home, there
really haven’t been more than a few moments spent that was truly by
myself. As a mother, alone time just
doesn’t come by very often. Often, I
would sit and just wish that I could have some “me time” and be left to do what
I’d like without interruption. But,
because I have never really had an empty house, I never got intimidated by
being alone for a few hours because I knew there was an end to that period of
time. So, being alone was never
scary. It got scary when it came without
my permission. It came without real
preparation. Boom! I was alone for a week at a time. Let me tell you how truly unsettling quiet
can be, especially when you’re not used to that much silence.
Marrying the love of my life kicked off the beginning of
2017. I got to change my last name. I was brought into one of most loving
families I’ve ever been blessed to call mine.
February, I sent my soldier husband off to a 9-month deployment and dove
head first into military spouse life.
The man I was accustomed to seeing every 10-15 days, was now thousands
of miles away in a totally different time zone.
There was major adjustment going into the past year. It was the kind of change and adjustment I
was preparing for and ready to adapt to!
But, man nine months is a long time to go without a hug from your
spouse.
The first couple of months of my Love’s absence were
surreal. We seemed to slip into a new
routine. It was weird and a little
different than we had idealized in our minds.
We pushed through the hardest time we had ever had. Neither one of us had ever missed someone so
much. It was a struggle to get into a
groove that was comfortable. We figured
out how to suck it up and drive on and push through the time we were
apart. He was going through something
entirely different than I was. I was
coming into a slightly altered version of myself. We had to find us again when he got
home. This is normal for a deployment,
but something totally new for me to experience.
Independence is something I haven’t truly had. I started a new job and was blessed with a
significant increase in salary. True
self-sustainment was finally settling into the palms of my hands. I was holding my own. In addition to that financial comfort, I was
getting used to having a week at a time where the only sounds in my home were
made by my little dog Joey, the appliances, and myself. I could listen to whatever I wanted to. I could watch whatever I wanted to. I had this entirely new freedom with my time. Face to face with my thoughts in an entirely
new way was cathartic and enlightening.
My journal keeping over the year was attacked with
determined fervor. I kept a specific
journal for my husband. It was a goal of
mine to have a completed book for him to read that chronicled the experiences
and thoughts I had in his absence. Each
time I wrote, I did it with purpose and was proud to give it to him with only a
couple blank pages. For the first time,
I completed an entire book with my words.
That was a major accomplishment for me.
I was blessed this past year with new friends. Friendships have been one of the cornerstones
of my success. Without the support of
people I love and love me back, I would not be where I am today. There is no doubt in my mind that the ones
who have been brought into my journey, have been delivered on purpose. I gained another friend who I am so grateful
to call one of my best. She has been a
truly powerful hand to hold over such a filled year. My cup runneth over with valuable friends. My best friends have been invaluable and I am
at a loss for words when trying to express the joy they bring me and that my
success is absolutely shared with these powerful women I love dearly.
2017 brought me the time and energy to pursue a new musical
adventure. Though the band was birthed
in the latter months of 2016, this past year was when we set off and have
established a little level of success and growing popularity. Having been in bands over the course of about
12 years, I can honestly say that I have hit
my stride. I know who I am as a
performer and my goodness has it made this so much more fun! Singing my ass off is something I require in
order to live a life of quality. The
boys I’ve been gifted with to help support that emotional need are nothing
short of a miracle for my musical soul.
This coming year will prove that we are kind of a big deal! Shameless plus: Strange Love AZ on facebook….like and share
our page for our upcoming shows!
My oldest son is coming into a different time in his growth
and I’m meeting a new young man. He’s
losing his looks of my baby boy and becoming his own person. I often tear up looking at him and hearing
his voice say things that are more mature.
He’s a delight and my favorite.
His tender hugs and frequent, “I love you, Moms” are truly what I live
for. My youngest will be 4 this year and
it can’t get here soon enough! He’s a
little monster who challenges every ounce of my patience and knows it. He’s a cherub when you’re not looking and
every once in a while his loving nature gets exposed. As he grows up and starts to have more
personality (as if that’s even possible), I see so much trouble for me in my
very near future. He’s adorable.
My oldest child, the one who makes me beam with pride has
proven to be quite the woman and has restored my faith in my own
parenting. She is shining in her world
and has shown me that she’s going to be just fine! She’s happy, married, and living her best
life for where she currently resides.
The future for her is bright and filled with the reflection of her good
choices. I am happily eating the crow of
my skepticism of her marrying young.
This year closed with one of our best hugs to date. I am so proud to call her mine.
When I account for what the hell happened last year, I can
see in vibrant colors the power I have had to be where I am right now. I have quite literally busted my ass to be
this person right now. I am layered, complex,
creative, relentless, and determined to be happy and proud of my life. There have been a few instances where I
thought I might break. I spent a few
hours this past year crying and hurt. I
have worried. I have lost sleep. I have contemplated my fears and their
validity. There were a few moments where
I feared relapse of depression. But,
when I really evaluated the rough stuff, I came to understand that there was no
need to feel defeated. It was life! Guess what, folks!? Life sucks!
It’s not all cherry blossoms and stupid butterflies. There are some really stinky piles of shit we
have to occasionally step in and figure out how to wipe our shoes in the
grass. Sometimes, that shit just sticks
and you have to buy new shoes. I bought
new shoes. Instead of walking around
smelling like a steamy pile of crap, I bought the new shoes, tied those strings
up tight, and carried on. I’m the one
who decides what is going to defeat me.
Only I can determine the triumph or the failure.
The coming year has a lot on the horizon. Some of it has me bracing the side
rails. It’s stuff I have zero control
over. The stuff that has me feeling
excited are totally in my control and give me goose bumps that I am in the
place in my life where I am ready to take them on and succeed! My daughter recently told me, “You always
know what to say.” It was a pretty cool
thing to hear your kid say. She’s
right. I do. I haven’t always had this sense of not only
security, but also stability to tackle pretty much anything. I’ve matured so much these past five
years. I’m so proud of how I’m rounding
out my thirties. I’ve got a giant middle
finger at the ready for those who try to stop me. I certainly don’t have it all completely
figured out and I am gonna keep screwing things up…but man have my mistakes
been worth making lately.
This year I learned that I am over people who are
assholes. Good luck trying to be that
way to me anymore. Immune? Never.
Guarded and capable of overpowering attack? Hell, yes.
I may even come across as hardened and mean. Nope.
I’m just done with naysayers and those who are unhappy in their own
realities they feel it necessary to attempt to bring me into it. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’m too busy living my best life and loving
the hell out of it. My goodness, it’s
taken so long to finally be in this place with my past. Truly, the most overwhelming sense of
empowerment has rooted itself. It’s
about damn time.
There has been so much going on in the world. Some of it is enough to lose faith in
humanity. Every day, I hope that we all
take the time to revel in the beauty that is staring us in the face. Hope is not dead. Share your life…in person with someone. Put your phone down. Turn off the ringer and hang out with your
teenager and find out what the world looks like to them. Tell your daughters to be a beast with every
pursuit that pushes her to the adult version of herself. Teach your sons to love deeply and openly,
without fear. My son opens the door for
me whenever he can. Call your siblings
and tell them they don’t suck, even if they might. Swallow more pride and find the silver lining
in every choice laid at your feet. Make
realistic goals and battle through the realizing of them. Lastly, find your talent and share it.
It sounds so cliché to say, but there’s so much beauty in
the world when you know how to love yourself.
Be worthy of the love you think you deserve! Let that one sink in. If you believe you deserve better, earn it
and fight like hell for it. Good luck
this year and try to be the best version of yourself you can be!
