On A Personal Note

I realized earlier today that I haven’t blogged in a very long time.  There have been many times I’ve sat and started to write, but haven’t been brave enough to post some of the thoughts I’ve had.  Much has changed in my life over the past several months.  Those changes have brought challenges that I’m still dealing with.  Some good and some not so good.

This morning I will be sending my eldest child off to the first day of her senior year.  I will also be sending my little Alex off to kindergarten.  The amazement of the gap between these two children has never been more profound.  One finishing and one just getting started.  It’s so funny to me.  This year will bring some dramatic differences in parenting.  I’m looking somewhat forward to those differences and what challenges they bring.

Alex has now lost two teeth.  TWO!  His cute little face has even more personality in his smile and I adore the sound of his impaired speech.  He is so excited to start school.  He didn’t go to preschool and that will bring interesting developments.  I am worried about him.  It’s not his fault he didn’t go to preschool.  But, he’s going to be slightly behind some of the kids in his class and I’ll have to help him make up for that.  His attention span isn’t quite at mature as some of his peers’.  I prepared his teacher with that information.  I also let her know that it’s very likely he’ll be difficult for the first few weeks and to not hesitate to call me and let me know how I can help him at home.  I really like the energy of his teacher.  He’s going to love this.  He’s also going to get frustrated.  I believe the teacher he has will help mitigate his short comings.

Isabelle is raring to go with her year.  She’s been busy this summer with a job, buying her own car, periodic responsibilities with JROTC, and helping out with her brothers.  I am hopeful she is going to have a good year and round out this last year of childhood with firm footing as she embarks on the path on the very near horizon.  I am looking forward to seeing what happens over the course of this year for her and for our relationship.

Rachel, too is starting her senior year.  I can’t believe this is already here for her!  She has solid plans or life post-high school.  I’m excited to see her so motivated and dedicated to her goals.  She’s anxious to get this year over with.  Aren’t most high school seniors?  This is going to be the fastest year, yet!  Then she’s off to make the world a more beautiful place.

Sam and Sarah have gone back to Seattle and are settling in nicely to their new house.  They seem to be satisfied with being back “home.”  I miss them tremendously.  It is very bittersweet to have them gone.  I’m happy for them to be where they want to be, but the selfish part of me wants them close enough to invite for dinner whenever I want to.  The house is much quieter now that they’ve gone.

When my dad died, I knew there were going to be several significant shifts that would happen in the short years to follow.  The first was having Benjamin.  Second, finalizing a divorce.  Third, moving into a new house.  Fourth, Sam and Sarah moving away.  Fifth, Isabelle and Rachel graduating from high school and moving away.  I have mentally prepared as much as possible for each of those events that have now come to pass.  The final is in motion and I’m feeling the earth shift slightly beneath my feet as I realize there isn’t much I can mentally prepare for at this point.  It is intimidating to think about life without my daughter around.  Now that I’ve grown accustomed to having Rachel around, the same is said for her pending absence.

My depression is 100% under control.  I am feeling things in a very comfortable fashion.  I have bouts with being overwhelmed, but reasonably so.  A few weeks ago I took myself to the emergency room with chest pains.  For about a month, I’d been feeling a consistent ache in my chest with the added joy of pain down my left arm.  My resting heart rate was well over 100 bpm.  Out of fear that something was very wrong, I went to rule it out.  EKG was normal and my blood work was fine.  I’m still not sure what the issue was, or continues to be.  But I have my suspicions.  It’s not depression.  I do believe it is the residual effects of years of compounded stress and anxiety.

For a very long time I endured significant change and heartache with minimal emotional relief.  The occasional “freak out” was like getting a nip of water to the severely dehydrated.  I needed a lot more release than I permitted.  I got a job and the feeling of contentment sort of eased me in a way I had become unfamiliar.  My body settled down for the first time in a couple of years.  As if the calm is a written letter of permission, my body is catching up on drinking as much water as possible for fear of another draught.  Don’t misread that.  I’m fine.  I’m seriously fine.  My body just needed things to be less chaotic to go through the grief my mind has already processed.  It’s a bitch and I hate it, but as things do, it shall pass.

I started working in May.  It’s a job on post as a contractor.  I work four 10 hour shifts, Monday through Thursday, overnight.  When I was hired, I was willing to work wherever the need was.  Knowing the job was shift work, I accepted the likelihood of the night shift.  Not my first choice, obviously, but desperation for a job took precedence over convenience.  I had hoped that a day shift slot would become available.  They have come and gone, and I have completely adjusted my world around this shift.

I found out a week ago that my job may not be here by the end of this month.  The company is reducing the staff size by 40% and I am not sure yet where I land on the spectrum.  I am ready to take one of the two tests I am required to have to maintain my employment.  When I was hired, I was given 6 months to obtain those certificates.  That timeframe has now been substantially reduced.  As in, I need it in the next two weeks.  Nope.  Not stressed about it all.  I am making every effort to stay employed with this job.  I’m hopeful my merit has not been lost amid the current chaos of losing such a huge portion of staffing.

I’ve decided that freaking out isn’t entirely necessary yet.  I’m definitely shaken up.  I’m working on several options in case this doesn’t go the way I want it to.  But, I can’t help but get irritated with the universe.  What gives?  Can a girl catch a break for a little longer than a couple of months?  The constant testing of my tenacity seems a little malicious at this point.  I wonder…”Is this karma from another life?”  If that is the case, boy do I need to shake the shit out of my soul.  Surely somewhere in my past life I was decent enough to earn some ease in this cycle.  Ask me if I’m still cursing my past self in a few weeks.

Playing in a band with some consistency has been therapeutic as of late.  We are working well together and I like all my guys.  That’s nice to have.  I would like to work a little more frequently, but I’m very satisfied with at least the chance to gig every now and then.  Reconnecting with live music is good for my soul.  Reconnecting with meaningful lyric has been cathartic.  I’m finding that I’m conducting very insightful dialogue with myself as a result of incredible song writers.  Inspiration is wonderful.

One day the events of this five year section of my life will be looked back on with fondness.  This is the pivot in the plot.  The major event that happens right before the climax.  The cast is diverse and interesting.  The twists and turns are brilliantly foreshadowed.  This is the part of my story where I either succumb to the antagonist or triumph.  The fortitude of my character is being tested.  Whether or not I am able to turn that antagonist into an asset is the task.  Flipping the struggle into an opportunity to shine is possible.  Just exactly how isn’t quite clear.