Today

The difficulty I am having with writing this blog, is that it is hard to put into words what has transpired since my last.  I’ve sat down countless times over the past few weeks and struggled to adequately tell what goes on day-to-day here. 

Two of dad’s brothers were here last weekend.  Also, for the first time since mom died, all seven children were in the same room together.  Spouses, grandchildren, posterity surrounded dad for three whole days.  A couple weeks prior to that, his sister and her husband were here.  The visiting of family members has been a beacon to which dad looks to daily.

It was a palpable feeling to be sitting in my living room with my brothers and sisters all together.  Family started to arrive on Thursday night of last weekend.  Friday afternoon, we found out that dad is more than likely in renal failure.  Our time with dad would be even shorter than we had anticipated. 

I had ironically just mentioned to my family members earlier that day, that if I allowed my emotions to fully manifest themselves, I wouldn’t be able to recover for a while.  Standing on my front porch and learning that dad’s health is dire, broke my emotional wall and the tears poured like a tsunami wave.  Days.  We have days.  I paced around for several minutes before I could find the energy to tell my siblings of what is happening.  It was hard to see the faces that were so happy to see each other, suddenly bear the expressions of heartache and woe.  We all sobbed together as we let my dad know what was happening to him.

Since then, he has had peaks and valleys.  He bounced for the weekend and then crashed as soon as family began to depart.  I expected that to happen.  Emotional highs are usually followed by emotional lows when coping with one’s own death.  The abundance of support that he is feeling is strong.  He thrives on the presence of his children.

This past week has been progressively down hill.  He is sleeping most of the day and eating what he’s able to have to energy to do.  His pain is mostly managed.  He has had spurts of breakthrough pain that hasn’t been fun for him, but we are working hard to minimize that from happening.

This experience is nothing short of surreal.  I feel like I’m having an out of body experience every day.  The energy I have comes and goes.  I’m surprised at how much I can do on very little sleep.  Each day I’m watching him like a mother watches a newborn baby.  Those first few weeks of parenthood are ripe with anxiety and nervousness.  It’s the only thing I know to compare this to. 

Rachel and Joel have stayed home from school this week to be with dad.  It has been good to have them take turns sleeping on the couch so dad can see them when he wakes up intermittently throughout the night.  Jacob is here, too.  Sam and Sarah will be here in a little less than two weeks to stay.  They are relocating to help with dad and to be close when the time comes to gather as siblings and hold each other up.  Isaac is able to get here quickly when he needs to and is helping tremendously with Sam and Sarah’s move to Sierra Vista. 

We have dinners brought to us regularly and the help that brings is immeasurable.  Not having to cook during these times takes a load off each of us.  There is constant inquiry as to what we need and when I am able to figure out what those needs are, I ask.  Most of the time I have no idea what to say.  The way our family is pulling together, I don’t feel like we have any voids that need filling.  At least I can’t think of anything tangible.

There are a lot of people that want to know how he is doing and if they can come to visit.  I’m afraid to say that he’s disinclined to see anyone at this point.  The energy it takes to stay awake to talk to anyone is tedious and he reserves that for his kids and eating.  Though, I wish I could say that we’d love to have you over to chat, that time has passed.  Emails and text messages are how I relay things to him from people that want to contact him.  So, that is totally acceptable to do. 

The kids are doing ok, all things considered.  They are getting ample support from the avenues in which they are comfortable and I’m very grateful for those connections.  They never cease to amaze me when it comes to their tenacity.  I’m immensely proud of their composure and grace they emulate as they go through this difficult time.   If you get the chance, get to know them.  They will amaze you.

My daughter has been equally as graceful in her support and understanding of my shortcomings this past year.  I know that I have shirked some of the depth I am capable of when it comes to being a mother.  She has been forgiving of that and I’m very grateful to her.  Alex has adapted well to the conditions he lives in.  He understands the need for quiet play and respect for grandpa while he sleeps.  I really have amazing kids.

On the whole, our family is surviving each day, well.  Sure, we have our flaws and chinks in our armor, but who doesn’t?  The way we have bonded through this and will continue to be is something I’m very proud of.  We have come together well and it’s a comfort to know we have each other.  I’ve learned from each of my siblings.

Time is precious.  We all hear and read that constantly.  I don’t think the depth of that statement really makes itself prominent until we are faced with the end of something.  Whether it is the end of a life, relationship, or any bond, we should cherish each moment and treat it with such delicacy that it is a crown jewel we get to borrow for a time.  The amount of gain I’ve received by bonding with my dad this past year is beyond words and value. 

I’ve learned a true meaning of forgiveness and the definition of sound mind.  The way I have been enlightened to the nature of my own being has been validating and supremely testimonial.  If there was ever any doubt as to who I am as a person, that doubt has been burned and scattered.  My dad has given me powerful words to let me know what I mean to him.  There’s something to be said about that.  I’ve blogged in the past about being validated.  I feel there is such importance in being heard and understood.  Throughout my dad’s struggle with the remaining days of his life, he’s managed to validate me in ways I didn’t know were possible.  Gift.