The Power of Self Improvement

I started college classes on the 17^th of October.  Since then, I have not only learned a bunch of academic lessons, I’ve also learned some life lessons along the way.  I am currently taking Philosophy 111 (Introduction to Philosophy), English 102, and Psychology 218 (Grief, Loss and Dying).  The Psychology class seemed like an appropriate class to take considering my extensive personal experiences with grief.  It didn’t occur to me just how relevant this class would be.

I have had intermittent bouts with depression.  This past year has introduced new facets of my own emotional stress.  One of the driving reasons behind getting into school was to help combat my feelings of self-worth.  Almost instantly, I began to feel satisfied with the challenges my classes were posing.  It was a beauty to have the stresses in my life shift.  Instead of lying awake at night worrying until the wee hours of the morning, I started lying awake at night evaluating the reading I’d finished that night for my classes.  My depression had become an afterthought as opposed to forethought.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m still depressed.  What’s different about this depression is how it is truly affecting my functionality.  Before I started classes, I was struggling to find reasons to get out of bed.  There were many days I didn’t want to leave my house.  I would go days without washing my hair or even putting on clean clothes.  I wasn’t doing anything, so what was the point of changing or making myself presentable? 

These days I get out of bed excited to work on an assignment.  I am spending my days thinking deeper about the subjects I am reading about.  I discovered about a week and a half into my classes that I hadn’t worried about my dad.  Of course he is on my mind constantly.  But, this was a different kind of process.  I was thinking about how he was feeling instead of worrying about what bad news was around the corner.  PROGRESS!

I love learning.  I always have.  I enjoy broadening my perspectives and introducing my mind to new ways of processing information.  Because I’m in a fully engaging mode of thinking, my thought processes have become focused and organized.  The mania that I was once suffering from has evolved into this structured form of manageable material.  It is easier for me to evaluate the sources of my frustration and cope thoroughly.

I’m not saying I’ve got everything figured out.  But for me, I have gotten miles closer to that status.  Obstacles that are placed before me are not seen as deterring but empowering.  That power is strengthened even more as I am able to assess the best decision and make it confidently.

My personal life is still a sticky ball of tar.  If I wrap my hands around it too tightly, I can’t let go.  But for right now, I’ve placed it in a corner for another time.  I’m choosing my battles more wisely.  That ball can wait. 

Now, when I enrolled in my psychology class I was excited.  I saw the potential for helpful information in the class description as if it were written specifically for me.  I did NOT take this class to use as a source of therapy.  However, it has turned out to be just that.  I don’t use the class forums (I’m taking all of my classes online) as a way to air my dirty laundry or express my grieving demons.  I like to understand things.  The more information I can wrap my head around, the better.  I’ve actually had to work beyond the scope of what my classroom has to offer by way of discussing the subject matter.  Each week the discussions get way off topic.  Almost every classmate uses the forum to bring in his or her personal experiences for everyone to address.  To me, that’s not what this class is for.  I’ve had to seek out the individuals in the class that are trying to achieve the same as I am from this class.

Each chapter I’ve read has been directly applicable to the things going on with my dad.  It seems as the class advances, the material is more and more relevant.  It’s interesting.  As my dad’s health continues to go through the ups and downs that cancer brings, the class work is truly teaching me how to more fully understand the big picture of his disease.  This past week was parallel to the choices we are currently facing.

I’m very grateful I decided to take this class.  I’m very grateful I’ve chosen to go back to school and exercise a brain that had become complacent and unchallenged.  In the beginning of my decision-making, my intention was to obtain a nursing degree.  After deeper meditation, I’ve decided my abilities would be best used in the field of therapy.  I am pursuing a master’s degree in psychology, with emphasis on family and grief counseling.

I have a renewed sense of purpose that is giving me such a brighter perspective on my life that I feel so excited I could bust.  This past Monday, that sense of purpose was validated in one of the most tragic ways.

A dear friend of mine took his life.  We had spent many hours chatting about the struggles of our lives and the unfairness of certain situations.  We talked about self worth.  We evaluated what we did for ourselves to improve our satisfaction.  The last time we had a deep conversation, we spoke at length about the importance of finding something to occupy our time that served no other purpose than self-gratification.  For me, that source is through writing and singing.  I shared with him the power I felt once I realized how much better about life I felt when I was able to actively engage in something purely for me.  We talked about what possible avenues he could explore to get him motivated. 

I wish with all my heart I could have been able to impact him or inspire him to make the efforts to improve his emotional burden.  I’m so angry with him and yearn to talk to him every day.  Knowing how much pain he was in was hard with the distance we had between us.  I wish I could have taken his grief for my own so that he could have weightlessly flown toward the better version of himself he wanted so badly.  

I’m not so arrogant to believe I can force a person to act.  I do however; believe I have the ability to inspire.  With a higher education applied to my personal aptitude to help others, I believe I can be a powerful resource for people to rely on.  Because of my dear friend, I am determined to achieve that goal.  It is with a heavy heart, I thank Geoff for inspiring me to work even harder to find my happy and keep it.