Polarity

I just love it when my whole body tingles with excitement over something new and wonderful coming into view on my horizon.  It shows me the efforts I’m making are taking shape and coming within reach.  There are frequent cases of awesome occurring daily in my life.  

My daughter is doing well in school and socially.  She’s had a great start to the new school year and is getting increasingly excited about obtaining her learner’s permit to drive.  I’d be lying if I said I shared her sentiment.  Needless to say, I’m apprehensive at best.  But, I do however; remember vividly the thrill of that rite of passage.  I’m not impeding her joy.  I’m just not reveling in it with her.  I’m really sort of anxious in a bad way.  As I’m sure my parents were when I started floating on air at the mere mention of driving the car myself.

I am not in denial as to her maturing.  It’s staring me in the face every day.  I am not enjoying it, though.  There are so many things that are about to start for her that she’s so excited about.  Dating for example.  Ick.  I am going to have to really balance the overwhelming and over-protective parent with the lenient parent she needs in order to not hate me.  So far, she’s been open and somewhat honest with me about whom she considers her boyfriend.  Ew.  Boyfriend.

Alex is a ball of energy and personality.  He’s forming more and more sentences and it’s just incredible to listen to him try to communicate with me on a more mature level.  His little voice saying some of the new words in his vocabulary are so fun to hear.  He’s very expressive and outgoing.  He sings all the time.  He has a knack for mimicking sounds of all types and incorporates them into his dialogue.  That is also quite entertaining to witness.

I’m looking into getting him into a school setting.  As soon as I figure out whether I’ll be working full-time or attending school full-time, I’ll know what I’ll be able to afford.  But, he’s yearning for more interaction with other little people and I feel like I’m letting him down depriving him of that.  If all goes according to the way I’d like it to, he’ll be starting early learning within a month.

With the positive, there must be negative.  It’s the vicious reality of life.  The negatives I’m dealing with right now are heavy and often inhibiting.  I’m fighting depression.  I’m aware of it, which helps me stay away from its depths.  Nevertheless, the fight is constant.  There are only a few things I’d like to make happen that I know will immediately stymie the blues.

My dad had a very hopeful consult with doctors in Seattle about a month ago.  We, as a family, saw things in a more uplifting way as soon as the plans were laid out.  After the appointment, we knew there was more information needed in order to actively move forward.  One piece of information was the progress or lack of progress in a few places in my dad’s body.  His spine and his femurs were areas of concern.  About two weeks ago, we got those results as well as new blood results.

The M-spike count at the time of his appointment in Seattle was 1.1.  Two weeks ago, it was 1.48.  Not good.  The goal is less than 1 in order to move forward with a bone marrow transplant.  The doctors were optimistic they’d be able to achieve that threshold with the load of chemotherapy they had him on.  They gave him a boost in white blood cells so his body could more efficiently handle the ferocity of the chemo.  Despite that effort, his numbers climbed.  Because of the lack of ability to gain control on the cancer, the likelihood of a bone marrow transplant is becoming slimmer and slimmer.

The tumors on his femurs turned out to be the same size they were in June.  That’s great!  No need for any surgery there at this point.  They’ll continue to monitor those tumors and take care of it when the need arises.  The news wasn’t as great when it came to the tumor on his spine.  That has grown and it is threatening paralysis.  As soon as the doctor saw this, he set him up for radiation treatment.  He is currently receiving radiation on his spine.  Once the treatment is complete, he will have had radiation 10 treatments.

Basically, we’re back to the treatment plan of maintaining the cancer to the best of the chemotherapies ability.  Hopefully, it will be sufficient enough to keep him as functional as possible for as long as possible.  Fingers are crossed that we will be able to find a chemo that will just go in and obliterate the cancer and get us back on track to the transplant!  Keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

As far as my personal goals and accomplishments go, things are in somewhat of a progressive state.  I started my new job on the 23^rd of August and things are moving well in that regard.  I’m enjoying the clerical aspect of what I’m doing and I’m learning more and more about financial planning. 

I’m in a holding pattern for school.  I hope to know what will be next for school within the next couple of weeks.  My application is in the processing portion of approval.  I’m not very optimistic things will pan out there, but I’m holding onto hope that it will come together for me.  If it doesn’t, I’ll be actively pursuing a full-time job.  I have to do something to get me on my own two feet. 

I’m working on getting a literary agent to finally get some kind of progress made in the publication of my children’s books.  I’ve been less than aggressive in the fulfillment of that goal.  That is changing daily.  I’m actively pursuing all avenues available in order to gain the proper advocacy in getting my books on shelves as soon as possible.  If you know of any one who does this kind of work, please, please let me know and help me get in touch with them.  Any help in this adventure would be greatly appreciated.

I write in my journal at least weekly and I’m paying close attention to the emotional place I’m in.  I’m fully aware of the depression I’m experiencing and I’m trying very hard to keep myself away from fully succumbing to the pitfalls.  It’s a daily challenge and staying focused on the positive things happening in my life is imperative.  Remaining vigilant in self-progression is the key and working around the negatives that seem to consistently pop up is my daily battle.

I now that things can take time to work themselves out.  Having gone through significant depression in the past has helped me maintain awareness.  I have good days and really bad ones.  It is hard to see the good in things when there is a lot of bad.  Depression is a terrible beast that wants to drown its victims.  I’m treading water and staying, at the very least, afloat.

What I want in life is apparently not quite what I’ll get.  Despite the outlook I have in regards to those desires, what will actually happen doesn’t exactly line up.  Life’s this constant ebb and flow of have and have not.  It would sure be nice if I could have for a little while.  Just enough to keep me optimistic would be appreciated.  Realism has totally taken over any level of optimism I once had.  I hate the callousness of reality.  There’s nothing sugary or sweet at all about it.  A cheery disposition is becoming a fairytale perspective.  Once a couple things that I want come to pass, I feel I will find that encouraging enough to feel more optimism.

By the way…

If you know of anyone that wants to buy a house, send him or her my way!  That would definitely dispel negativity! 

There would be no positive without negative.  And vice versa.  This teeter and totter between the two is slowly gaining some balance.  I feel confident in my endeavors and know that soon things will take shape.  I know that those things won’t happen without persistence and perseverance.  I’m not becoming deterred in my goals.  The mantra is “It is what it is.”  I’m working towards making what is what I want.