As a parent, I want to desperately keep my children, well, children. It has been a challenge lately because my daughter is now a teenager. There’s this weird need for balance. I want to give her some freedoms to help teach her responsibility, choice and accountability. The only way for any of us to learn is through our own mistakes. She needs the opportunity to make those mistakes. But, the protective mommy in me wants to shelter her from growing up too fast and I tend to do things for her that I really ought not. Hence the necessity for balance. Figuring out the proper balance is nothing short of a science experiment.
Particularly when pertaining to the internet. When she turned 14, my husband and I spun our hamster to death thinking of an appropriate gift. Initially I wanted to get her a Kindle. She’s into reading and I know how much I enjoy my iPad while reading, so I thought that would be a good gift. Josh agreed that was a good idea, then he had the brilliant idea: a laptop. My first thought was, PERFECT. Then I started to think about what opportunities it created and I shuddered.
Part of her birthday gift was to be taken off her nearly year long punishment. She epically failed last summer with her cell phone. EPIC. I’m still recovering from her massive show up stupidity. It is that stupidity that scared the crap out of me when thinking about giving her access to the internet with the very real potential of her being stupid when we’re not looking.
We sat down and talked about it as a family. We told her what we were giving her and what rules there were going to be. They included the following, but are subject to expansion should her interests change:
- No internet after 9:00 pm unless she’s in the presence of me or her dad.
- Facebook is permitted. However, each and every friend will need approval from us.
- Nothing will be deleted from the computer. Her dad or I will do it.
- All messages on Facebook are to be left for us to see. Nothing will be deleted there either.
- The only adults she’s allowed to be friends with on Facebook are friends with her dad or I. Period.
- Absolutely NOTHING will be downloaded without our approval.
I’m sure there will be more added as she becomes more savvy with her usage. In the meantime, the point we expressed was how much privacy she has. None. The real point of giving her the laptop was to help her out as she starts her first year of high school. These days it’s nearly a requirement to have a computer of some kind. The selfishness in me got tired of sharing my laptop with her. This gift has become the biggest level of compromise we’ve ever taken part in with her.
It has also become a huge opportunity for her to show us her maturity and responsibility. I was explicit when I told her the consequences of any failure to comply. I will take the laptop into the driveway and repeatedly run it over with my car until there’s nothing salvageable, while she watches. Psychotic? Don’t care. It will bring me zero joy destroying money. Which is what I’ll ultimately be doing.
Admittedly, there was a little nervousness in our approach. I sort of felt like we were being too strict. Of course, we gave her no indication of such. But, like I said, this is the age where you have to give them a little more room to roam. I’m just not ready to move the pasture fence too far away from the house just yet. I have to remind myself everyday to calm down.
When giving teenagers the freedom to troll the internet, you’re setting yourself up for a rapid introduction to adulthood. Not to say the teenager is going to suddenly become a grown up just because they can get online. It’s the exposure to things that are premature. I hope she’s comfortable enough to talk to us about things she’s reading/viewing/hearing that she’s affected by. Facebook alone can introduce her to things she may not be ready for.
It’s the fight to keep her young and naive. Those days are so numbered. I know she’s being exposed to tons of things at school whether I like it or not. Starting high school next year, that’s going to multiply faster than she can keep up. I can’t keep her in a bubble. I guess I just want to control what she’s exposed to as much as I can actually control.
So far, she’s been behaving. She’s so thrilled to have access to things all of her friends have had for a while. I completely understand feeling left out or behind. She’s all caught up now...for the most part. She’s complying with the rules and she’s asking me all the time about approving friend requests. It makes me happy that she doesn’t seemed bothered by the rule. Phew!
I recently came across a conversation between a teenager and his parent regarding their privacy online. The teenager had an account with tumblr.com that his dad came across. The teenager immediately flipped out about his dad reading things he’d posted and proclaimed it is his and private. I didn’t get into the conversation immediately, because he’s not my son. Instead I listened to see how much alike the dad and I are. Turned out, nearly identical.
The dad continued to read his son’s site and saw things his ‘followers’ were posting. One user had made several references to suicide. The dad asked his son who the user was and how he knew them. The user was a teenage girl that went to the same school. Perfect opportunity to explain why privacy is a bad thing for teenagers sometimes.
He said: What if she actually killed herself? Her parents wake one morning to find their daughter hanging from the closet and they are completely unaware of the reason their daughter decided to end her life. Later they look on her computer and discover she’d been talking about suicide on her tumblr account. They are then left to feel nothing but guilt the remainder of their lives. They will think they’d done the right thing by giving her privacy and space. What then?
The son, at this point has been rendered speechless. There was a moment given to consider all just said. The teenager, being bullheaded and well...a teenager, still managed to rebut. I waited for his justification after a well made point. He said his tumblr account was a source of venting his frustrations anonymously and saying things he’s not comfortable saying aloud. He asked if his dad would read his journal. He likened his tumblr account to a journal. Therefore opening up the conversation of how private the internet actually is. I pounced.
If you don’t want anyone to know what your innermost thoughts are, perhaps you shouldn’t put them on the most public resource. There is a level of anonymity online, but as you just showed, you knew who the girl was that was posting suicidal thoughts. How anonymous is that?
Here’s what sucks about being a teenager. You’re old enough to know better. But you’re not old enough to be fully responsible for all of your mistakes. Ultimately if a teenager does something wrong, it all gets reflected on the teen’s parents. Almost instantly people will wonder where the parents were when things go wrong. There’s only so much privacy a parent can give their teenager without it all coming flying back in their faces.
During this conversation, I explained the position I have when it comes to my daughter’s internet access and usage. It may all sound insane and overbearing to a teenager, but in the long run, it’s really for their own benefit. Another thing that sucks about being a teenager. The tunnel vision. All they see is being stifled. It sucks. Deal with it. The years are incredibly short when high school starts. It goes so fast! But its the hindsight of the adult who gets this. Explaining it to a narrow minded teen is like trying to teach trigonometry to a toddler.
I vividly remember being 14. As I reflect back to that time, it makes me a little weary to realize that only 3 years after I finished 8th grade, I became a mother. The perspective I have about being a teenager is intense. Emotional, really. I desperately want my daughter and son to enjoy high school to its fullest and stay young during the whole thing. There’s the rest of life to be a grown up and honestly, it sucks a lot of the time! How often do we wish, as grown ups, to be 17 again? Free from the responsibilities and monotony.
I fully intend on the next four years to drive me insane. I’m going to fight with my daughter at every turn. The more she becomes aware of the more she’s going to want to try out. We’re not going to agree on the things I’m will to let her try. I just hope we don’t kill each other. Or one of us ends up in jail. I’m going to be all in her business. Whether she’s aware or not. She’s going to develop integrity via force. I want her to be wary of being caught doing something wrong to help keep her from doing it. Fear. It’s a nutty psychological power. One I fully intend to exploit.
But you can be certain if my daughter starts to experience any of the cyber bullying, I’ll know about it. If she starts to post things that concern me, I’ll know about it. I will be involved in everything she does as much as possible. I’ll allow her the space to chat with her friends and vent. But, the second it crosses any line, that’s when I’ll be the parent she needs. It is my job to protect her and nurture her. It is my responsibility to develop a good adult. It is my job to make sure she’s happy with who she is and confident in the things she pursues. I cannot do my job properly if I’m giving her too much privacy. Privacy is not a right when you’re a minor. It’s a privilege. One that can all too quickly be revoked.
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