Finding Me

Every year hunting season comes around and I am very aware of what that entails. Every spare moment taken on my husband’s part, is spent hiking around Cochise and Santa Cruz Counties looking for the game. Truthfully, I love that his hobby is one that gets him out there and gives him more than just the hunt. He gets exercise, exposure to the outdoors, and peace and quiet away from the daily routine. I think it’s very healthy to have a hobby that promotes good physical and mental health. It keeps the levels of sanity at a good level.

However, today I am here resenting his hobby. I have no one to blame but myself for the lack of activity that gets me self satisfaction like that. My hobbies are accomplished from the comfort of my chair in the living room, my bed, kitchen table, or pretty much anywhere my fanny can plant. I write. I journal a lot. I jot down thoughts and ideas constantly. I day dream a lot too. While they are great and I find a lot of joy engaging in my own thoughts, I don’t do it without interruption or distraction.

I’m left thinking I’m getting slightly short changed because of the ease of locale. Being a stay at home mom is a gift and I love being one. It comes with it’s cons though. My energy level is very low when the idea of leaving comes up. I’m annoyingly content staying in my comfy clothes, ponytail, and no make-up. The thought of getting “dressed” to go anywhere is exhausting. I’m getting in my own way there. When I think about why I am so lethargic I can’t help but wonder if my body is depressed despite my mind’s lack of acknowledgement.

My other giant hobby is singing. I have played in a few bands, and lately I’m working on a new project. The downfall to building a band with other parents and full time employees is finding the time collectively to get together. It can be a challenge to pull everyone’s schedules together. I haven’t gotten together with the band in a few weeks. I have a feeling I’ll get a call soon to get together, but the time in between is daunting.

I’m super excited to be taking part in a small ensemble cast for a Christmas production for a local company holiday party. It’s a short show with a solo performance based on a character of my own choosing. I am excited to be challenged with creativity. The premise is great and the time I’ll get to spend collaborating with the rest of the cast to create the show is going to be a lot of fun!

So there are things that I do, but none of them are on a regular basis and are also dependent on others being involved. Because others involvement is sort of beside the point. I think what I’m going to do is take myself to the library and just be and let whatever my mind feels like doing happen. I need to permit myself the time to just totally relax. I’ll take my iPod and listen to some music to make extra sure I’m uninterrupted. Turn off my phone to eliminate any distraction. If I go and do that at least once a week, I think I’ll find the Emma I was once upon a time very in tune with. The longer I go without giving myself some time away from the house and the mommy duties the more lost the person I am will get.

I’m frustrated that I have allowed myself to get away from me. I know how important it is to maintain an identity away from my kids and husband. Don’t get me wrong, they are my life. But I think its very mentally unhealthy to make them all that makes me, me. Separation is good for all of us. Having independent personalities is vital to our unity. It’s the difference between healthy and unhealthy dependency. One day the kids will be gone. It’s a good length of time away, but I don’t want that day to get here and I not know what to do with my time. So, having me intact outside of them is good preparation for the future.

I don’t want my kids to learn that life is your kids and husband. You have to have your talents and hobbies and things that make you happy in addition to those kids. I think the library is a great place for me to start re-establishing my independence.