New Aesthetic

A little over two years ago, I completed my fourth round of chemotherapy. Life hasn’t looked the same since! Last October, I moved back to Sierra Vista, Arizona after three full years in Clarksville, TN. Many reasons I returned and so far, all of them have been the right ones.

When I left Tennessee, I was feeling physically stronger. I packed my entire house over the course of about three months. It kicked my ass, but I felt very fulfilled handling it on my own. I paid a company to load the house and the big stuff and drive it out. I did the trip solo in my new truck, Joan Jett. Worth it.  Every inch of pavement was necessary to reconcile the chapter of Tennessee. Quietest drive in my history.

Slowly, I returned to social life in a town I had previously come to terms with never living in again. For months life had felt like looking through a kaleidoscope. It sort of still does. Shapes and colors are familiar and feel safe. But nothing has fully connected. It sure is pretty, though.

Being close to my sweet daughter and her family is a thickening agent in my foundation. The gift of witnessing her life is felt in my marrow. Their twins, my darling grandbabies, are no shit, the absolute coolest kids you’ll ever get the pleasure of sharing space with. The education they bring me is pure delight.

The relationship I have with my daughter is so fun! Bonding with her and seeing her evolve into her next phase of womanhood is no different than watching a painting come to life. I fully realize my pride in her, is purely ego to no one’s benefit but my own. Maybe one day I’ll find the right metaphor to describe this immense emotion seeing her so happy.

Music took center stage without missing a beat. Today, I’m in three projects! I’m writing music and performing it live in front of physical people! In true universe form, organic connections are forming. There is so much my soul is inhaling with sucked in cheeks. The amount of creative energy I have these days I can’t recall ever experiencing.

There’s a literal craft room in my house. Also, a recording studio. Somehow, I’ve managed to turn this little rental into an island of coping. I look around my house and recognize an explosion of a person expressing to avoid depressing. All I want to do is make things. And I do. Until my body quits.

Buckle up. It gets different.

I began low dose radiation treatment on my left shoulder, both hips, and my lower back. Shortly after I got settled into my new place, my back quit bending without violent pain. For months we have been fighting the pain. After 32 radiation sessions, and three months, the severe arthritis attacking my back gave way. Two days later, a new violent sciatic pain took me to the floor. I’m in the middle of figuring this new mess out. What I know today is there is a cyst on my spine, bony spurs (degeneration), and a bulging/herniated disc. I can’t trust my left leg these days. It took some time to whittle away at the pride to do it, but I bought a cane and use it. In short, things suck a bit right now. I am only out of pain in about two positions and they’re both in my bed.

The village I need is here and active. Once again, I have all I can ever need. There is so much soul in the sisterhood I have in my life. As I recognize the bounty in my world, it is hard to complain about much.  There are family gatherings all the time. Family. It’s everything.

Pessimism can’t find sanctuary in my perspective. I’m pissed. But I’m not hopeless. The path behind me is way too cool to think it won’t continue to be. This continuous kick to the temple could soften a bit, though. I’m tired.

There are many things I am preparing to share. I’ve written hundreds of pages of my book. Out loud is how I have always shared my experiences. In the quiet that I have been in these past two years, I found an unrelenting voice demanding audience. Maybe it’s my cancer crazy, but hey. I’m coping here. Never have I gone through the thick of something without evaluation and this has been no exception. However, I now have a PhD in my own bullshit.

Somewhere down the road the dominant color in my home went from hues of blues to deep, earthy greens. Things are different and I have a lot to share.