My strength comes from necessity. At every point I have chosen the combative path instead of relenting. This hasn’t always resulted in optimal outcomes, but I believe I have learned each bout. As long as I can remember, I have been somewhat tenacious. That’s not a brag. I have a load of experience in how this has actively worked against progress. But even when you exercise wrong, you still build muscle.
I’m not sure which stage of treatment I was in where I recognized
out loud that I was doing the damn thing. I was able to immediately recognize
the dissociation I was actively engaged in. It felt like I was watching myself
cope through all of this. As those layers of understanding became more refined,
I recognized the dance I was having with reason and emotion. I was performing
for my final evaluation.
As plans to support going forward with surgery and subsequent
treatment came together so smoothly, I was nervous. I got scared that something
very bad was going to happen because of how easy things were going. Stepping a
few steps back, I was able to have the perspective to recognize I was doing
what I have learned to do. It was coming together with ease because I was
prepared to handle it.
I’ve spent so many years faking it until I make it, I lost sight
of recognizing it when I got to the making part. It’s not until now that
I see it. Feeling any sense of security was scary. Shit, any sense of security still
terrifies me. I am skeptical of any rationality I can conclude in my own head. Making
as many decisions as I just did without a partner has really validated my
independence. My daughter was my perfect voice of reason and listened whenever I
needed it. As overwhelming as it all was, it all made sense.
This is another instance of not taking away any shine from
past moments of clarity. I keep seeing the upgrades in how I see things. Finally,
believing my own bullshit that I can handle hard things feels incredibly mature.
This is the most organized my chaos has ever been. The bigger picture of
self-awareness has really healed the peace breast cancer held hostage. It’s my
deepest hope that I continue to embrace all these changes.
When my emotions unloaded their essays of sentiment after my
last surgery, I sat for hours dumbstruck by reality. I was nervous I wasn’t
going to recover quickly from this surgery because I was now post-chemotherapy.
When I was up and moving within two days, I felt the relief of capability. I was
doing it and it wasn’t beating me. This sucks, but I don’t feel ganged up on
anymore.
Knowing what I have coming by way of treatment is going to
leave these evolutionary shifts open-ended. Because of the way these past 10
months have progressed and the village I have, there will be hard days I know I’ll
be able to endure. There are more very hard things coming. The only way to get
more out of my life is to live it. I’m not done growing from this diagnosis. I’m
grateful for the confidence (false or authentic) to feel capable. As I continue
to protect my perspectives and use these newly enhanced coping skills, I am
hoping to further improve my inner peace.
Please note: what I write comes from hours of reflection and
thought. I meditate and journal my way through these experiences. What I present
to you is a summary of sometimes very painful education. I would hate for
anyone to read these things and interpret them in a way that demeans your own
experience and processes. I hope you’re able to find relatability in a way that
helps. Airing out my processes is part of how I cope. I’m very much a walking
disaster!
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