I am now in my first 24 hours of being on chemotherapy. I am starting to come off the wave of steroids they pumped me full of and the nausea isn’t horrible. Thank goodness, I have kicked my habit into full gear of taking medicine to say ahead of it. So far, knock on wood, so good. There is an additional therapy I get 27 hours after chemo infusion to help boost the white blood cell counts in my system. It’s pretty wild what this treatment is doing. For 24 hours, the poison hits it all. Then the catheter device they attached to my arm triggers to replace the damage.
The series of symptoms I must be mindful of is daunting. I have
a humidifier in my room. I have mouthwash to keep my mouth from getting
dehydrated. Every time I wash my hands, I swish. I am drinking more water than I
have in months. Not a bad thing. But good grief. Making sure I actually eat is
proving to be more of a challenge than I expected. Mostly because I’m terrified
of being nauseated and throwing up anything. I’m super hopeful I am able to
keep the nausea controlled and not have to worry about it too much. But the
underlying fear is there.
During the first infusion, I had my daughter with me (she’s
the rock of my world right now!) and I’m so glad I wasn’t alone. I had
nervousness about all of it. I didn’t watch the arm the nurse manipulated to
get the IV set up and then began the chemo. Tears filled up in my eyes as I felt
the cold liquid enter my veins. This is real life. Dammit. Two hours-ish later,
I as done and headed back home. The anti-nausea medicine kicked in and wow did I
feel tired instantly. I discovered that if I push through it, I only feel tired
for about 20 minutes then I’m all good to go. That is nice to know. It means I should
be able to handle work without too much issue. Again, knock on wood. It’s still
very early and this is only the first infusion. It’s going to definitely get worse.
The boys are coming to spend most of the month of July with
me. It’s going to be an experience for us all. Ben has been very honest with
his opinions so far. Alex is showing me his strong man front (adorable). They
are prepared for me to be tired and needing their patience on activities and
energy. I am doing my best to keep the information real but reasonable. They don’t
need to know every gory detail, but enough to keep them realistic in
expectations. I hate this for them. I hate this for all of us.
This is the most fragile I have ever been. The ease with
which tears develop in my eyes is frustrating. I want the full-blown meltdown,
but alas, that damn optimistic person keeps it all at bay. The truth is crying
won’t change a thing. This is my new reality for a while and accepting it is
easier than wallowing.
Metamorphosis hurts. I imagine there is severe discomfort
for the caterpillar. The metaphor of the butterfly is not lost on me. However,
this is the first time I have put the metaphor into physical context. I am
physically going through a wild and radical change. A sweet friend told me the
person I am on the other side of this will be unrecognizable and trying to
picture it now is not fair to my psyche.
The boys will witness the chemo doing its next level of
work. They’re going to watch the hardest parts unfold of this metamorphosis. We’re
going to learn some stuff together. I hope and pray this is a bonding
experience and not a trauma that is difficult to overcome. Teaching strength is
difficult to articulate, but best exhibited. They’re about to see their mom be
a beast unlike they ever witnessed. What is even wilder about this idea is they
won’t really know what they’re seeing until they’re adults.
The layers of acceptance continue to manifest. In truth, I feel
like it’s gotten a little easier each time a new blow comes to pass. It’s funny
what happens when you just throw your hands in the air and relent. The amount of
“fuck it” I have running through my bones right now is fun and scary at the
same time. Ironically my buzz cut grew a newfound level of that very attitude. I’m
certain when the patchy balding starts I am going to have a relapse. I have my
caps ready to cover it up and I’m considering having fun with wigs. We’ll see.
I have been documenting this experience on TikTok as well as
here. If you’re interested in seeing the video posts, here’s the link:
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