Don't Stop

Not too long ago, I wrote a blog about how tough parenting is.  Here’s the link.  Every now and then, I do go back and read the stuff I’ve written and compare those old words to see how they stack up to my current perspective.  Most of the time, I’m consistent.  There’s growth here and there, but overall, I would say that I’ve reached somewhat of a plateau in my worldview.  Today, I have to share a milestone. 

It goes completely without saying that trying to figure out how not to screw up our kids is a daunting task.  There are countless resources to compare your parenting with other bloggers, psychologists, doctors, inspirational writers, etc.  No one person has the right answer.  Because no one person is like the other, really all we can do is lament with each other!  Here’s a big learn:  if you are worried and talking/reading about your fears… YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT!

Never in a million years did I think my family would look how it does.  For so long I was accustomed to an idealized version of family.  Fairytales are simply that.  Fairytales.  Real life is mostly glass slippers cutting your damned feet.  Those of us, who worry about our kids, simply stitch the cuts and trudge on.  The way my family looks today, is perfect to me.  Bloody Band-Aids an all.

Having an adult child, who is married, has brought one of the most beautiful educations.  We have extremely candid conversations.  Recently, we went over her point of view as a teenager with me as her mother.  It is sobering to hear what your child thinks of you.  I’ll fully admit these conversations could have gone so many kinds of wrong.  But, I believe I am in a space of hearing criticism without going fully ballistic. She said some stuff that quite honestly, still hasn’t fully sunk in.

Here’s how I know that if you’re worrying and trying to do what’s best for your kids is the right approach; she told me so.  Straight from the horse’s mouth, I heard these words, “Mom, I hope you don’t think you suffered for no reason.  I benefited from it.  I’m sorry you had to do that for me.”  Flabbergasted.

For so many years I ached for her to really know who I was and now, who I am.  I have wanted for her to recognize the reasoning behind the choices I have made and make.  Over ten years ago, Ricky Martin was quoted saying, “I want to be transparent to my children.”  Those words hit me right in the stomach.  The life my daughter had during her formative years, I was anything but transparent.  So many things interfered with her truly knowing me and understanding where I was coming from when I parented her.  My parents had the exact same struggle with me.  All that arrogant teenage wisdom can’t know it.

There was one particular area of discussion she and I had that addressed her feeling of being controlled.  She specifically talked about how betrayed she felt when her father and I would encourage honesty to ease the trouble she could be in.  When I told her that ease did not void consequence, she paused.  Then I explained that she won’t understand the difference between control and fear until she’s faced with the welfare of her own child.  Light shone over her as she reached a certain level of comprehension to that way of thinking.  It was pretty cool to see her calm her tits about the angst she’d carried with that opinion for so long.

She was making big adult choices with a tiny teenage brain. Her father and I were TERRIFIED she was going to have consequences that we could not shield her from. We lost our bloody minds trying to get her to understand choice and accountability.  She lacked the wisdom.  She saw us as controlling.  It’s going to be a cool day when she becomes a mother and has her first total meltdown over how helpless being a mom can be!  Of course… her becoming a mother can wait another ten years.

Fast forward to her now reviewing the life that put her where she is, I am blessed with a front row seat as she grows into a beast of a woman.  I can hear me in how she solves problems.  She is absolutely her own person.  But, I get to see the elements of quality she’s chosen to borrow from me and apply to her own life.  I am immensely proud of her.

I have two more tiny humans I’m trying like hell to show how to be good, ethical, kind adults.  These two little boys are exposed to a completely different kind of mess than their sister.  There are sections of their lives I have zero impact.  It is so hard to co-parent and provide consistency in the environment these little boys have to navigate.  It’s just as foreign to me as it is to them, even though it’s all we really know. 

Hope is the wind in the sail of my role as a mother.  I hope the example I set, the emotions they feel with me, and the exposure to my perspective grants them the ability to one day tell me half as beautiful as their sister did, their pride in their mother.  The hardest and most rewarding job we have as humans is raising good humans.  So, Mommies and Daddies of kids who just seem to buck you, grip that saddle.  They’ll break when they’re ready.  Just hold on tight.