Shakespeare

The Shakespearean play that I’m clearly the lead in, has delivered yet another epic script this year.  To be fair to my character’s position, the tone was set very early as to how this act would play out.  The foreshadowing was written with such bluntness, a person would have to be oblivious to not catch the notes of what was ahead.  However, kinda knowing and really knowing aren’t the same.  Ignoring and paying attention have their respective consequences.  I will spend no time whining about some of the hurt experienced this year.  Some lessons are still being learned and require the wounds.  No joke, my past lives had to of been brutal learning these repeat offenses.  I only hope this trip I’ve been on has finally figured it out and can move onto the next level toward nirvana.

Beginning this year knowing I was staring at the end of something wasn’t pleasant to admit.  It pissed me off.  It hurt.  I refused to accept it.  I battled with comprehending something bigger than my capacity.  Being who I am, I don’t do well when I don’t have clear definitions of things.  Regardless of the context.  I thrive on knowledge.  Even tough knowledge.  I need concrete information to process.  The more passive the information is expressed, the more frustrated and combative I can become.  I fight.  I fight to understand.  I fight to be understood.  *Tone set for the year.

Motherhood is a significant part of who I am.  I’m not a typical mom.  I don’t filter much in front of my children.  Apologizing for the way I mother is probably an act that won’t happen.  Perfection is not what I aim for in my parenting.  The success of my mothering is defined by the shine in my children’s eyes.  I have so much pride in the woman my daughter is becoming.  The brightness of her soul is blinding and inspiring.  She has shown me that my approach with her wasn’t a failure.  I’ve come into a new season of my motherhood.  For years, I have seriously doubted myself.  The universe validated me this year with the incredible relationship I have with my first born.  I found understanding with her and she with me.  Words will never truly describe the value of this shift with her.

My sons are coming into knew aspects of their unique personalities.  The tenderness of my eight year old, tugs tears out of my eyes frequently.  The inquisitive nature of my four year old, heightens the impact of every detail of my behavior.  There has been a challenge establishing balance with these little men I’m raising.  Co-parenting is way tougher than anyone can prepare for.  It is that element that forces me to do my absolute best every day for them.  Teaching them is my primary focus.  I understand what they need.  I do everything I can to provide it for them.

I ask those little guys if they know how much I love them all the time.  The other day, Alex responded with, “How much?”  I looked him right in the eyes and said, “A whole crap ton!”  Both he and Ben laughed hysterically.  Their giggles are fuel for my weary heart.  Then, Ben with all sounds cherubic, proclaims with passion, “MOM!  I LOVE YOU ALL THE CRAP!”  They are my life.  Not sorry at all my kids say “crap.”

In all truth, I didn’t think an actual career would ever manifest in my life.  I had just become accustomed to flying by the seat of my pants and rolling with what came my way.  Almost four years ago, I was at home with a new baby, unemployed, and trying to figure out my ass from a hole in the wall.  Somehow, I needed to get a job that not only provided a living worth justifying being away from my babies, but didn’t make me crazy.  Desperation and dedication presented me a path that I blindly chased.  Fast forward four years, I am a project and process manager.  I’ve met financial goals.  I’ve been granted leadership that has not only recognized potential in me, but a willingness to take a chance on me.  Finally, someone understood what I can offer and provided me opportunity to prove it.

The internet has completely delivered piles of meme quotes to boost perspective this year.  Cliché phrases and words of encouragement didn’t lack applicability with precise execution.  Scary, really.  It’s like the internet knew what I needed to read all year.  I took those serendipitous phrases and stanzas and plugged them into the areas of my life that needed clarity or severing.  Because of those silly little anecdotes, I was able to find some new relationships.  Sparks of parallel experiences manifested and triggered some meaningful and magnetic dialogues that helped me feel less misunderstood.  Thank you internet for creepily getting me.

The fragility of my self-esteem continues to show signs of cracks.  I think it might be time for me to recognize it comes with being human.  I also believe it might be time to believe people when they tell me what they see and not immediately doubt.  That part of me has taken the biggest beating over the years and it’s going to take a little while, yet.  Trust me when I say, I recognize how silly all that may seem.  There is acute knowledge at the level of arrogance I portray.  That display is my strongest defense mechanism.  I don’t think I have ever been more fragile than I am in this skin I’m in today.  I understand that about myself.  I’m learning to guard more than ever.  If you see my vulnerability…know it’s kind of a big deal for me.  It’s more of a rarity for me to be as transparent as I used to be.  The smarty pants in the room will recognize the crazy contradiction of this paragraph! Ha!

I think I might understand what I’ve been doing wrong when it comes to giving my heart away.  I’ll have to get back to you on that one.  However, I’m learning faster than I have in the past.  That’s a win in my book.

I understand my mother, more.  I ache to talk to her.  My father continues to sustain me in the subtle ways only he could deliver.  I’m grateful I haven’t been blinded by life’s sucker punches to my spiritual sensitivity.  There are so many things I wish I could laugh with my mom about.  There are even more philosophical conversations I would give anything to have with my dad.

Moving into the next year, I am open minded, keenly aware of my surroundings, gripping with both hands on what I have the power to control, and hoping the good I seek in others will produce reciprocity in healthy ways.  There is constant education taking place in so many arenas.  I’ll continue to act like I know what I’m doing, but with a little more humility so I don’t miss any more queues.