I’m happy. Slap it on
a billboard, put it on I-10, and let the world know, Emma is happy. I’m the kind of happy that wakes me up
giggling. I’m the kind of happy that
puts a twinkle in my eye and better posture in my step. This isn’t just plain old, run of the mill,
happy ending happy. This is pure
joy. The way I feel today is only
matched by the feeling I had when I held each of my children for the first
time. NEVER before, have I known this
kind of joy. This intense emotional
experience has had such a monumental impact on my life, that it’s time you read
about it.
When I first started writing this blog, it was more selfish
than anything. It has been a safe place
for me to sound off about the trials and triumphs life has presented me over
the years. When I read back on them,
there is a resounding foundation in each of them. The battle.
It is this blog that I have been yearning to write. Writing before now, has been a source for me
to whine, lament, openly share my struggle, and if you’ve paid attention…post
the hope for better and the baby steps of progress I’ve made. With each one, there has been the current of
depression and the very real fight I have had to keep it at bay.
Every time I started to write a new entry, I recognized that
there was mostly some kind of crises taking place that was challenging any
progress I had made. Death, divorce,
kids, disappointment, blah, blah, blah.
Tear jerking experiences and honestly just a lot of trauma that I have
gone through. There were many times, if
not every time, that I wished I was writing about something purely joy
filled. I wanted to write to the
audience about the fact that I had truly overcome depression, solidly. But, I couldn’t. I was still depressed!
The months leading to the big change in my life, were filled
with pivots. I had reached a point of
financial security that made me feel comfortable. In the workplace, I had earned some level of
respect and trust and was promoted for it.
The relationship I had with my boys was solid, but my daughter and I
were struggling. Honestly, the
relationship with her was the most difficult thing in my life at that
time. The merry-go-round of bullshit I
couldn’t seem to fully jump off of was becoming, finally, annoying enough to
discontinue. One day, I will write a
full disclosure op-ed piece about the damaging effects of a narcissist. All-in-all, I was in a very good place. I felt secure and independent. The ability to walk away from things I truly
couldn’t control was becoming easier and thus allowing me to move freely about.
I walked into Big Nose Kate’s that night, like I do every
night of a gig. I scan the room and
assess the clientele. I start at the
front of the bar and work my eyes through and just gaze. I stopped at the end, a guy in a snug white
t-shirt…whoa…I need to see the front. I
made my way through to the stage to meet my band, and checked out t-shirt
guy. Double whoa! I proceeded to flirt from the stage. I sang my heart out. I made eye contact. He gave me nothing. Not a single symptom of mutual
attraction. Humph! I took a break outside and stretched my
legs. T-shirt guy came out with his two
buddies.
“Crap, they’re leaving.” I thought, but stayed put on the
bench.
The three of them walked over to me and started the typical
small talk with a girl in the band.
T-shirt guy made eye contact finally and smiled. So good looking. I found out they were all at the Army base
for training and were leaving at the end of the week.
**I have had a pretty
strict rule. I don’t date guys in the
military. Obvious reasons. They leave.
I live here, they leave.***
As they were leaving, T-shirt guy gave me a hug, kissed me
on the cheek, complimented my voice, and told me I was gorgeous. WHAT?!
He started to walk away and somewhere inside me, perhaps sloshing with
the Crown Royal, the ability to utter the following words: “You should give me
your number.” He looked surprised! He may have even asked me, “Really?” He took out his phone, which was cute,
because I asked him for his number. But,
I realized I didn’t have my phone on me, so I gave him mine. He asked me what I was doing after my gig to
which I replied, “You tell me.”
He took his friends home, he was the designated driver, and
came back to Tombstone to hang out. I
still get butterflies when I think about watching him walk back into the bar
that night. He drove for nearly an hour
to come back to hang out with me. I
finished my gig and walked over to meet him.
The first thing I said to him was, “I hope you didn’t come back to get
laid. I’m not that girl.” He smiled and said, “Not at all.” Over the course of the six hours that
followed, I knew I was in big, big trouble.
His name is Tim. The
more I got to know him, the more I felt like I’ve known him my whole life. It took only a little bit of time, exchanging
stories about our lives, for us to feel completely at ease with each
other. It was incredible how peaceful it
was to sit next to him in a booth at IHOP.
I didn’t feel like I needed to elaborate any story or bedazzle my
personality. I was simply able to be
myself and it was amazing. By the time
we left IHOP that morning, I was trying to figure out how we could make a long
distance relationship work. I didn’t
want him to go anywhere. He was breaking
my rules. I didn’t care.
I went home that morning and we continued to text each other
until the overdose of caffeine wore off. I have been with him ever since. We took turns travelling to see each
other. The ten hour drive (one way) to
each other’s house was worth it. Each
time we reconnected in person, we knew we were falling in love. It happened psychotically fast. We would acknowledge that we knew this was
something we wanted, but the pace it was moving both freaked us out and made us
comfortable. When you know, you
know. On July 31, 2016 he asked me to
marry him. He got down on one knee in
the living room of my new house and asked me to be his wife. It was perfect. He was perfect.
Tim coming into my life and being the man that he is,
aligned my planet on the orbit I had desired.
The ferocity of impact sustained by falling in love so fast was proof
that I was exactly where I needed to be.
I was ready for him to shake my world up. He didn’t just shake it, he flipped it. My mind spun and there were moments of
skepticism. The question of whether this
was really what I had wanted or if this was yet another creation of my delusion
crept in and tried to dismantle this new found security. It didn’t take me long to discredit those
insecurities.
I was asked, “What’s the rush?”
At first, I didn’t have a very solid answer other than a
typical dreamy-eyed girl talking about her boyfriend. But, as I gave it serious thought, I
discovered the exact reason to rush.
This wasn’t the rush to get married at 18 in effort to escape my parents
or “do the right thing” because I was pregnant.
There wasn’t a single person telling me what to do. It was just us. Through hours and hours of talking with each
other, we knew that we gave to each other the things we wanted in a marriage,
not just some flippant summer experiment.
He is everything I want in a partner.
His family is incredible and has raised a man who knows how to love. Even better than knowing how to love, he
seems to have been customized to love me.
Why would I want to put off the very feeling I had prayed for?
Because I’m not a naïve 18 year old girl lacking worldly
experience, I know how to decipher between the good and the bad. Because I had been intimately familiar with
all the things that are wrong in a relationship, it had put me in an educated position. Here was this man who treated
me like I was the center of his universe.
He is the perfect balance to my personality. We enjoy the same activities and were
engaging in them. The vulnerability I
was feeling was not singular. He felt
just as exposed. Together we were
feeling it all and it was amazing. I
couldn’t marry him fast enough.
I had a very vivid dream one night before we got
married. I remember intensely, the
feeling of vulnerability. Initially, the
dream felt terrifying and heartbreaking.
But, as I analyzed the emotional thread than ran through the dream, I
realized why it was so terrifying.
Wanting to marry Tim, pushing toward more out of my job field, working
daily to provide for my kiddos, finally getting in serious shape, all the joy I
had was on me! I was successful because
of my hard work. No one handed it to
me. As I recognized all the security
that I had established in my world, I was ready to bring someone else into it
and join our worlds together. Never in
my life had I felt such vulnerability and truly understood just what that
meant.
If I was picking the wrong man to join my life, he could
destroy so much of my hard work. What
was the most terrifying aspect of that truth?
I had no one to blame but me if it failed. I saw for the first time that I was in total
control of pretty much all the aspects a person can truly control. Here I was feeling so sound, so content, and
ultimately so trusting. In the moments I
realized just how easily he could really set me back if he hurt me, I was
comforted knowing that I trusted him implicitly, that he wouldn’t. This was tsunami revelation for me.
On January 21, 2017 during an absolutely horrible rain
storm, I married Tim on the beach, on Tybee Island, GA. Everyone said, “Its good luck to get married
in the rain. I means you can weather any
storm.” Well, as the clouds around us
turned more and more ominous, we smiled and vowed to cherish each other for the
rest of forever. Those first drops of
rain came down sideways and straight into my eyes. The white sand turned dark beige as the rain
poured. If there was ever a metaphor
brought to life, it was our wedding day.
I wouldn’t trade that day for anything.
If we could have another ceremony, I would want it exactly the same
way. I married the love of my life and
there was nothing getting in the way.
The rain suited our wedding day so perfectly.
Tim has been the catalyst that has launched me into the best
version of myself I have ever known.
Because of the love he has introduced me to, I have had the room in my
heart to forgive, let go, move on, and truly enjoy all the positive in this
beautiful life I’ve been given. The
nature of his heart has taught me to simplify what has seemed so complex. The way he looks at me has put a posture in
my walk that has my spine rejoicing. He
has shown me what it feels like, looks like, and sounds like to be in a love
that is healthy. Which, has made it
possible for me to step forward into my remaining challenges with a level of
confidence that only comes from the feeling of being truly supported.
Today, my daughter and I have a brand new relationship that
is budding into the relationship I have always wanted with her. What was, was. What is now, is our future and a bond that is
reforming and a love that is going to do nothing but grow. My two boys are amazing and challenging
me. The challenge is brand new and I’m
learning as I go. What I have now that I
didn’t before, is a slightly more stable level of confidence that I’m not going
to repeat mistakes. Tim is bonding with
them as best he can, despite our distance.
I am so excited for the dynamic of our little family when he returns.
Life is not going to stop putting things in the way of
ease. But, I have my partner, the
kiddos, and the tenacity of a quarterback loaded on steroids, on Super Bowl
Sunday, to navigate them. I am ready and
feel adequately supplied with what I need to get through what is ahead with a
little more grace and less pain…and god willing, less gray hair added to this
coif. All the lovely clichés of love are
mine to enjoy and brag about. If you see
me, you’ll see it. If you talk to me,
you’ll hear it. If you hold my hand,
you’ll feel it.
…and she lived realistically happy ever after.
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