New

Big changes.  New baby.  New house.  New life beginning.  I’m on the hunt for a new job that won’t make me nuts.  There’s so much adjustment going on I’m feeling nothing short of overwhelmed.  I have a lot of focus, but I’m easily distracted by the cuteness of little Benjamin.  I’m trimming the fat in my life and the shape this life is taking is feeling fairly lean.  I find myself frequently wanting to call my parents.  I feel their pride as I’m handling all of these changes.  Crying these days is hit or miss.  I have struggled for years with crying.  The past couple of days, the tears have flowed a little easier.  I get my pep talks and vent and regroup. 

The yearning for a total melt down is strong.  The permission to fall apart is still wavering.  I feel very strong and capable.  But, there’s a constant desire to not have to be.  This life hasn’t been written for me to be dependent that way.  Words have been said to me that have shaken my confidence and jolted my sense of self.  I’m being challenged in my ability to remain constant to myself.  I’ve been careless and vulnerable.  Silly me.

Benjamin is growing and doing fabulously.  He’s still small compared to other babies his age, but he is working hard at catching up.  He’s a chunk and adorable.  Alex is a ball of energy that keeps me on my toes.  Isabelle is legally driving and is coming into her maturity.  She starts her junior year on Monday and it looks like it will be a fantastic year.  She’s already settled into her leadership role with JROTC and loves it.  I’m so proud of how much she’s taken control of her wants. 

This new house is so wonderful.  It represents so many things.  I feel full sunlight on my future.  I’m going to have move steadily and at a slower pace, but the direction I’m heading is clear and thrilling.  Even though 2014 is half over, I feel like this is a new year.  This is a new everything.  Fresh start.  I feel more grown up than I ever have.  There are wounds I’m licking, but I finally know that they will heal.  Waking up in this house is Neosporin for my injuries. 

I’m terrified of a lot of things yet to come.  The emotional rebirth is scary and I’m going to set myself up some time with a counselor.  I refuse to revert back to old behaviors and I’m going to need help in making sure that doesn’t happen.  I can look you in the eye and specifically tell you where the changes are vital.  Implementing those changes is the hard part.  Creating my own consistency is necessary and is going to take work.  A lot of work.  Being whole again is going to be a while off.

I see so many awesome things in my world.  I am paying closer attention to those things than ever before.  I have avoided too many pity parties.  I do them in private when I do.  Yesterday was a bit rough.  Tears were a little easier to shed.  I deserve them, though.