January 2013 Oregon

The latest with my dad:

The last chemo cycle didn’t change the amount of cancer cells in his blood.  The doctor decided to draw more blood and get a new lab result.  He’d gone two weeks without chemotherapy at that point.  The doctor also took new bone scans to see if my dad had sustained any new bone breaks.  More than a couple times over those two weeks off he felt new pains develop and suspected he’d broken another bone.  The doctor responded to that through the x-rays.

Thursday was the second treatment for his third cycle.  On our way to our room for the treatment, we bumped into the doctor.  He said the x-rays didn’t show any new fractures.  YEAH!  We have an appointment scheduled for Monday before his third treatment.  We’ll review the new lab work and discuss what approaches need to be adjusted, if any.

The pain he’s in is immense.  He’s unable to lift his arms over his head.  Walking around for extended periods of time results in not only deep fatigue, but increased pain as well.  The pain medication he’s been on since the start of his treatment has never been able to contain the pain in his bones.  Imagine having several broken ribs, a broken clavicle, and sternum and not feel any relief.

When I got here, he had a debilitating headache that was causing him to see double.  So not only did it hurt, it screwed up his vision.  Takes on an entirely new dimension of migraine for me.  I could relate to the headache, but I’ve never had a headache so strong it split my vision.

Pain management is key to the quality of life of a cancer patient.  The doctor has been incredibly proactive in gaining control of my dad’s pain.  During Monday’s appointment, we finally decided to take a different approach to that task.  We’ve changed him from morphine, round the clock, to oxycodone/oxycontin instead.  At this point, it hasn’t made any difference.  As long as he’s sitting still and supported, he’s not in pain.  But that can’t be the long-term treatment.

The doctor has encouraged him to move as much as possible.  With that goal in mind, he prescribed drugs to help mask the pain enough to accomplish realistic movement.  The doctor has also told him to work as much as he can.  That has turned out to be quite the chore.  He’s been able to work, but the physical cost has been expensive.

With two months of treatment under our belts and no advancement in pain management, the doctor suggested treating some of the affected areas with radiation therapy.  I’m not completely up to snuff on all that entails.  We’ll discuss that approach on Monday.  So far, what I’ve read about radiation for this cancer, he’ll have several treatments dispersed over several weeks.  The closest place to get the treatment is over a 90-minute drive one way.  Like I said, we don’t know if that’s going to be the next step yet.  As with all cancer treatments, radiation therapy will introduce a new string of possible side effects.

I am the only person in the house right now that can drive.  With radiation treatment possibly necessary, I’m going to be the one to drive him to and from those appointments.  The need my dad has in regards to transportation is beck and call.  If he goes to work, I need to be available to pick him up at any given moment.  So far, he’s been able to survive a shift of about 2 hours.  A couple times he’s made it longer.  But, because he has me available to pick him up whenever he wants, he can leave his work schedule very open.  Asking anyone to be willing to be that flexible in transportation arrangements is slightly unreasonable, outside of a family member.  I’m that family member.  I don’t mind at all.  It is that kind of support that brought me here in the first place.

I’ve said to my little brother, little sister, and dad that I would stay here as long as there is a need for me to be here.  That is fairly open-ended.  I came here with a carry-on bag and a return flight scheduled for a week later.  Within a couple days of being here and fully assessing the situation, it became clear to me that one week wouldn’t be long enough.  I canceled my flight and set my affairs as straight as possible with my husband and kids.

Right now, the plan for my return home doesn’t look like it’ll be sooner than this summer.  My husband is bringing Alex to me in a couple weeks and I’ll keep my little guy with me for a month or so.  I cannot describe how much I’ve missed him.  It puts a knot in my throat and stomach when I give any time to thinking about it.  I’m beyond excited to see both of them.  This is the longest I’ve ever been away from my kids.

I appreciate, so much, those of you who have expressed your care and concern.  As far as what I’m doing to take care of myself, I’m doing the best I can.  My dad generously got me a wonderful massage.  I’m still calm from that hour of physical respite.  If I were a brat, I’d ask him for one a week.  LOL!  My expectations of anyone taking care of me that way simply doesn't exist.  I seep into a cup of chai and my headphones.  I frequently write.  Knowing what I ‘need’ and making sure I have them is easy.  I have an amazing brother who frequently allows me to vent.  That helps me a lot.

My theme song is “Keep Breathing” by Ingrid Michaelson.  I can literally listen to it on repeat.  Sometimes I do.  I was telling my sister yesterday how quickly what matters to me changed.  

All the way up to Election Day, I was pretty engrossed in blog reading and news watching.  The day after election, I sang the National Anthem at a Veterans’ luncheon and went to work for my lawyer friend.  That night, I looked into my dad’s eyes via Skype as he told me he has cancer.  The next day, I was in his living room.  In that instant, all the piddley things I thought I cared so much for, slipped into obscurity.  President Who?  Popular what?  Who cares?  The zombie apocalypse could have started outside my window and all I thought was how fast can I be in Oregon.

It’s tough to be pulled equally between two very important priorities.  Being here, pains me to be away from my husband and kids.  But, if I were home with my family, I’d be tortured with not being with my dad and siblings.  I belong in both places but I’m only one person.  I know I’m where I’m supposed to be right now.

The support my husband and I have received has been amazing.  I have had very little worry about the care of my children.  Things have panned out so flawlessly it’s slightly scary.  The cautious perspective I have has made me think the pretty row of ducks in my own household is preparing me for Helter Skelter in this one.  The old adage of “God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle” that rings with clarity.  I don’t think I could handle both houses being in chaos.  That more than likely is just the level of insanity to place me in a round rubber room.

Being thankful for small miracles…so thankful.