This One's For The Girls

Over the years, the topic has come up frequently.  It is because of the frequency, I have decided to write about it.  I have sat in front of my computer several times intent on writing a blog about this, but the words tend to fail me.  I get so absorbed in the upsurdity of it all that I render my blog obsolete.  Needless to say, I am still befuddled at said upsurdity and struggle to even find a place to start.

I guess the best place to start is the beginning.  This is all very personalized.  However, I believe despite the fact of these experiences being my own, I’ll find several who can relate to the situations.  Which is why I’m finally writing this blog.

Women aren’t the only people who work through the irritating cycle of finding out who our friends are.  I’ve seen men go through it as well.  The first time I really learned the hard truth of fair weathered friends was when I decided to quit my senior year of high school.  It was nearly instant the judgment that was passed on me.  At the same time, I saw less and less of the friends I thought I was close to.

During one of the hardest times of my life I was isolated.  Quickly after discovering the apparent challenge of being friends with a knocked up teenager, those same ‘friends’ were the ones talking about me in whispers when I came into a room.  ‘Friends’ I spent time listening to during their personal crises were suddenly the ones starting rumors.  

I suppose I can understand, to a certain extent, that ignorance and immaturity played a significant role in their choice to distance themselves from me.  It wasn’t until years later that I was even able to forgive them in my heart of their assolidity.  But I could never understand the need to cut me down and hurt me in front of other people.  

I believe because of that time in my life, I came to realize the value of friends.  I decided to be the kind of friend I would want to have.  It set a precedence in my daily life to treat others the way I want to be treated.  Despite the best of intentions throughout several friendships, I have learned reciprocation isn’t something I should count on.

Here’s my gripe:  Why are women dicks to each other?

I’m not about to jump on some equal rights soap box and start ripping off rhetoric about empowering women.  There are plenty of hotheads doing that just fine.  I want to understand why women tear each other down.  It never ceases to amaze me how often tears are shed due to the words and/or actions of a so-called friend.

The past seven years of my life, I have counted on one thing to remain constant.  One of my friends is going to make me feel like crap.  There have been many times I’ve sat and racked my brain trying to undertand what I’ve done, said, whatever to warrant being shit on.  In the end, I come up empty handed.  I’m forced to just jot down another friend who started out being what I considered permenant to seasonal.

When did it become so easy to be unkind?  Why is it so hard to think about consequences before taking an action?  And best yet, when did pride take such a hold on the ability to articulate an apology?

My teenage daughter has already had a few bouts with girls and their stupidity.  As I had asked my mother, my daughter asked me:  Why is she so mean to me?

I can’t help but wonder if my mother ached a little remembering the losses of friends over her years as she answered my question, recognizing the hurt in my tears.  Her reply was honest and sincere and without hesitation.  Jealousy.  I told her it was ridiculous to think that was the reason for the girl taunting me in the hallways, spitting in my hair, kicking my chair in class, threatening to kick my ass after school, and pointing at me laughing and announcing all the physical flaws I had.

She was a pretty girl.  She had a lot of friends.  Her clothes were trendy and nice.  I wore hand me downs.  I had terrible skin.  I was skinny and lanky.  What could she possibly be jealous of?

Then my mother explained a possible scenario to which neither of us were privy to, but the likelihood very plausible.  

“Emma, you have a mother who is home for you every day when you come home from school.  You are kind to all of your friends and you’re liked.  Your clothes may not be expensive or flashy, but that has not prevented you from making new friends.  You have good grades and your teachers praise you.  Maybe she doesn’t get positive attention at home.  Maybe she’s mad about what she lacks and has decided to take that out on you.”

While not one word of that sunk in to my self absorbed teenage brain.  She was able to make me feel better and even though the girl never stopped giving me a hard time, I muttled through it knowing I wasn’t jealous of her.  I pitied her.  And got over it.

I found myself telling my daughter the very same thing.  With a few added anecdotes.  Girls are dumb.  Girls are crazy.  The sooner you realize that, the easier your experiences with other girls will be.  So far, I think she’s getting it.

Even as an adult I find my mother’s words resonating in my mind.  Why are we so jealous of each other?  Better yet, why do we allow any level of jealousy stump our opportunities to bond with each other?

I have had three significant friends in my life dump me.  Only one of those losses still affects me.  The other two I’m better off without.  But when I reevaluate the circumstances in which our friendships have ended, I wonder if they ever wish they’d made a different decision and feel the loss of my friendship.  That crosses my mind often.  A sort of recurring grievance.  Those individuals have absolutely shaped my cynicism towards new relationships.  They can also be credited for my stronger appreciation for the friendships that have withstood differences and became stronger despite it.

I have come up with a set of not rules, but good ideas as to how we girls should be treating each other.  If we could apply these in our lives, maybe there’d be a little more joy.  We girls have way too much in common to be kicking each other in the junk.

1. Don’t be a hypocrite.  If you expect someone to act a certain way towards you, you had better be treating others the same way.
2.   Choose your audience.  Saying, don’t gossip, is just asinine.  We are totally going to gossip.  Make a stronger effort to make sure your words aren’t repeated.  Ever.
3.   Be your own bottle of Welches’ juice.  Put good in.  Get good out.
4.   For the love of all things holy;  don’t bitch about gaining five pounds to a friend who weighs more than you.  I promise, all she’s thinking is how much of an insensitive jerk you are.
5.   Remember how pretty your glass house is.  And remember it ain’t shatter proof.
6.   Being catty helps fuel the sterotype of all women.  
7.   If you’re having a pity party, keep it small.  Like, a couple of really close friends.  The ones that aren’t close to you will avoid you like the plague because all they see is a whiner.  Harsh.  But totally true.
8.   Same thing when it comes to airing your unmentionables.  The friend you see occasionally doesn’t need to know how your husband/boyfriend/partner pisses you off.  Keep those kinds of details for tea and crumpets at your house, not ladies’ nite.
9.   Talk to the quiet girl.  Get to know her and then relish in the reward of a fantastic new friend.
10.   Talk to the new girl.  
11.   Last, but not least.  Girls that are self loathing aren’t the ones with lines of people wanting to spend time with them.  Be infectious using the personality you’re stifling with woe.  The funny part is when you do that, the self loathing starts to wear off.

All in all, respect each other’s differences and allow people to be who they are.  We girls all know how important we are to each other.  I’m convinced behind every good marriage is the wife’s best friends.  Boys are stupid and don’t get us.  There’s a reason for that.  It’s because we get each other.  We don’t need them to figure us out.  We’ve got all our own answers if we can just get over superficiality and bitchiness.