Black Friday

Black Friday

I’ve made it well into my adult life without complying to the media hysteria that is Black Friday.  For years, I’ve sat back and watched stories in the news about the absurdity of people scraping over each other for the $10 discount on bath robes.  When I read about people actually resulting to violence over gaming systems, it solidified my reasoning.  Why on earth would I subject myself to the potential crossfire?  

Perhaps, I have been injected with a case of the stupids, because this year I was doing the very thing I’ve spent years criticizing.  Even as the doomsday clock closed in, I was profusely refuting the notion of standing in line.  

I’m a big fan of experiences.  I have an obscenely long list of things I’d like to do/see before I’m unable to do them.  For example; I’d like to take a carriage ride around Central Park in the fall.  Nothing tickles my ribs more than the idea of seeing the sun set over a vineyard in Tuscany.  While I don’t think I’ll ever run out of wishes in this department, I’ve certainly slashed a few off.  

I’ve been to Colonial Williamsburg and wept tears of patriotism when I witnessed a reenactment of the day Virginia joined the cause of the Revolutionary War.  I moved inch by inch through 1 million hurricane slinging party animals on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras.  I’ve gritted my teeth as I sat helpless in the backseat of a New York City cab.  The list could continue for a while, but I digress.

There’s been this little inkling of curiosity as to how it really is to be in the throws of sheer mania at Wal-Mart when the sale hits on the launch of Black Friday.  That curiosity finally killed this cat and I can assuredly tell you it shan't happen again.  Even if one of the Wal-Mart managers doesn’t believe me.

This all started about a week ago when I began to make choices for Christmas presents for my kids.  I surfed the internet looking for ideas and came across a few that sparked my interest.  As all things tend to lead whilst perusing the internet, I found myself on a totally different track.  I was looking at coupons to print online.  Ultimately I came across a website that not only showed me all the ads for Black Friday, it gave me store hours, price comparisons, and even maps of the stores.  As I was poking around on this site, I realized there were some significant savings to be had.  The only catch...Black Friday.

Black Friday got it’s name because it meant retailers would profit.  They’s stay “in the black.”  I wonder if the ones who came up with the moniker ever thought it would take on a totally different and more ominous meaning?  To me, Black Friday means muerte!  The death of the Christmas spirit, the very day the official Christmas season begins.  Ironic?  Maybe.

My husband had zero desire to subject himself to the crowds.  At about 9:00 Thanksgiving night, I contemplated the seriousness of my intent.  I really wasn’t positive I was going to go, but if I didn’t, I would be hitting the level of sleep doctors would need to be called to revert.  So, I bucked up, tied my shoes, and tossed my hair into a new pony tail.  I asked my husband if he’d go.  The look on his face did not match his response.  He agreed to go.  We were ten feet out of the drive way when his snarky remarks and lack of enthusiasm seeped from his lips.  It wasn’t as if I had a bolt of splendor rush over my body, but I was doing my best to be perky and happy.  I saw no point in going into this with a pissy attitude.  

As we pulled into the Wal-Mart shopping center, all I could utter was, “Whoa.”  The whole parking lot was full.  Not just full, but overflow parking was in the Lowe’s parking lot across the street.  I was an hour early.  Clearly, I didn’t plan this very well.  I cautiously drove through the lot to locate a parking space.  Surprisingly, it didn’t take long.

Though I have gone into this store plenty of times, this time felt very different.  There was this energy you’d have to be there to understand.  When I looked at the links for ‘maps of stores’ on that website, it should have been a clue.  Clearly, I’m an idiot.

There were so many people in the store in sections of the store that see people on a minimal basis.  Sporting goods and hunting was filled with people lining up for something.  It took a few minutes of walking around the store for me to see the balloons floating atop the aisles.  “Line Up Here for Wii,” “Line Up Here for XBox,” “Line Up Here for Kindle.”  You could call it an ‘aha moment.’  Obviously the preparations the staff had for this sale was in depth.  Instead of having all the sale items in the electronics department, they spread them throughout the store.  Kind of genius.  Organized chaos.  Or so I thought.  

I went for one specific item (which will remain unnamed until I give it to my daughter).  Blue shirts were everywhere with varying expressions of panic, stress, exasperation, etc.  I found one that looked the least overwhelmed and asked where I should go to obtain this particular item.  From one end of the store to other, I lugged my husband around like the literal ball and chain we husbands and wives are so lovingly referred to as.  He looked like I was killing him slowly.  In public.

Three uneducated associates later, we decided to stay put in an area that seemed to house the talisman.  Teenagers were huddled around displays wrapped in plastic with large signs stating the time and date of their availability.  We were 10 minutes ahead of schedule.  Feeling anxious I’d be in the wrong place and miss out on getting the talisman, I prowled around the crowds of people to see what they were guarding.  Never before in my life have I felt like I was in a video game.  Around me were suspicious people protecting their position with such ferocity, I feared the very idea of eye contact.  As if my peeking at what they were waiting for was going to take away their opportunity to obtain it.  

Timid is not a word I would use to describe myself.  But under those circumstances, it was spot on.  I returned to my husband and sort of pouted at my lack of information from my reconnaissance.  All of a sudden I hear a dinging of an alarm.  Wal-mart employees maneuver their way to the displays and with box-cutters, rip away the plastic.  At this point all I can do it watch in astonishment as people literally piled on top of each other.  I had the unfortunate exposure to one woman’s ass crack as she shoved over people.  Within seconds the display collapsed and people fell on top of each other and then the yelling started.  I’m certain my eyes were the size of saucers.  All this pandemonium over $28 Batman: Arkam City and MW3.  Insanity.

We waited for the pile of people to recede to go in and see what else was there.  Nothing of interest.  Furthermore, no talisman.

The core of the store, or as I now refer to as the mouth of the beast was worse.  We were smart and didn’t get a cart.  I had this wild thought the talisman must be there.  We strategically moved through people in the attempt at finding it.  Nay.  People were smashed together like grains of sand of the ocean floor to get their hands on $3.97 pajamas, $10.00 coffee makers, $5 Barbies, and a bunch of other nonsense.  

Voices all around me were angry, frustrated, panicked, and even a little malicious.  It was at this point my husband peaked.  People were so selfish, they were literally ramming carts into other carts, and a few times my husband and I.  With the minuscule amount of patience we had left, we managed to get out of the madness and toward the exit.  Mental notes were being taken at every step.  All I could think of was how ironic this whole thing is.

I said excuse me more than 50 times in only a few minutes.  I smiled and said thanks to those who were gracious enough to let me through.  In all truth, no one else said the same to me.  To make it more clear as to the tone of energy, the only people I saw smiling were a couple of employees.  People in that store looked as if they were on the front lines of hand-to-hand combat.  Perhaps this was where Mel Gibson went to find inspiration for Braveheart.  Only the war cries was the sound of the Whos singing at the end of “How The Grinch stole Christmas.”  

After all that, we left empty handed.  I found out the talisman never came in the store’s shipments.  They took my name and number down and promised to call should they come across it.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  There was a small part of me that wanted to purchase something.  Anything.  I didn’t care what it was, I just needed to buy something to justify the hell I had just forced my husband to go through.  Maybe it was that I couldn’t get past my irritation.  I couldn’t find a single item I wanted to wrap and give to my kids.

Black Friday had won.  They had killed my giving spirit.  What’s even funnier is this all happened by 10:30 pm.  We went home and took several deep breaths and relaxed.  As I said, I must have been injected with a case of the stupids.  I bucked up and headed to Target.  I thought, it can’t be as bad as Wal-mart.

At 10:45 I pulled into the parking lot to see a line wrapped around the store.  Great.  I parked the car and walked to the end.  It was already curving towards the receiving side of the store.  You know, where the trucks go to deliver shipments.  I am now familiar with the rear of the store.

Not 10 minutes later, a security guard walks by announcing the plan. “The store will open at 12:00 and 25 people will be permitted to enter.  Twenty-five seconds later another 25 people will go in.  Would anyone like a granola bar?”

I thought he was joking.  But sure enough, he had a Target bag full of granola bars free for the taking.  I passed, but not without thinking how amazing that was!  With a renewed sense of tolerance I waited the hour and fifteen minutes happily.

Once I got into the store, I moved quickly towards the toy department to pick up the things I wanted for my toddler.  Mega Bloks for $10 and a Crayola activity table for the same price!  Super good deal!  I turned the corner with my cart to find the 200+ people who were ahead of me in line all congregating in the electronics section.  I’d be waiting a bit before I was able to get to where I wanted to be.  No biggie.  I’m patient.  Apparently the more I acknowledge my capacity for tolerance and patience, the more it gets tested.  Moving along with the rest of the herd, there’s always going to be a few pricks.  I was knocked from behind by another cart.  It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t feel good.  I turned around to find this woman snarling at me as if I had been the one who slammed my ass into her cart.  No apology.  No excuse me.  Just more pushing past me.  As far as she was concerned, no one else mattered.  What she wanted was king and damn those who object.  It was in this moment I looked around at the faces.  No smiles.  Irritation oozed off their faces like an overfilled honey jar.

The best thing you can do is ignore it.  So I did.  I got the things I needed and went to find the end of the checkout line.  It wrapped around the entire interior wall of the store.  I didn’t get out of there until 2:45 am.  I was in line to check out for over 90 minutes.

While I was in line, I received a phone call.  A number I didn’t recognize popped up and I was hesitant to answer.  Who in the world would be calling me at this hour?  It was Wal-mart.  They had my talisman ready for me to pick up.

Well what do ya know?  After I survived Target I headed back to Wal-mart.  The parking lot looked more like it does at 3:00 pm on a weekday.  I walked in to find the store nearly put back to the way I’m used to seeing it pre-death day.  It didn’t take me long to find someone to locate my talisman and within 15 minutes I was checking out with it at a $30 savings.  

I took my sneakers off at 3:00 am.  Sitting on my couch it hit me how tired I was.  It had turned into one of the longest days I’ve had in a long, long time.  Cooking nearly all day.  On my feet in the kitchen blanching green beans, cubing butternut squash, peeling potatoes, cutting mushrooms, whipping cream cheese, and a bunch of other things, I had probably only spent a combined total of 2 hours sitting down.  My feet hurt today and they’re swollen.

Even though I was able to get the stuff I wanted at the price I was hoping for, there’s no way I’m doing that again.  Shopping for gifts is supposed to be fun.  It’s supposed to be selfless.  If it’s not fun, you’re missing out on the best part of shopping for gifts.  I’ll go shopping when fellow shoppers share my enthusiasm and joy for the occasion of the season.  Which is two weeks before Christmas.  Black Friday could be so much cooler if sucky people weren’t participating.

Soon, we’ll start hearing the statistics of the sales and see if the economy is worse than last year’s.  But, all I’ll ever be able to associate Black Friday with is the exposure of ugly people fighting over sale prices on stupid stuff that doesn’t last.  Even if they were giving away free televisions to the first 100 people, I won’t be there.  I’d prefer to avoid another zombie feeding frenzy until the actual zombie invasion.