Landmark

Landmark

I’ve finally made it the part of my book where I’ve stopped in the past. I’ve had to push really hard. I am sure I’ll go back and fill in some gaps when I edit. But right now, I’m extremely proud of myself. I’m on somewhat of a roll. If I’m going to be honest with myself, which I try to be, there is a deep sadness I’m drowning in right now.

This is exactly why I haven’t gotten this far before. It hurts. But in order for me to purge the monster part of this pain, I’m going to have to proceed. If I don’t I’m going to continue to feel stunted by this grief.

I’m writing about the birth of Connor and the immediate moments after he was carted away. Remembering the depth of depression I was in so suddenly is like an anchor pulling me back down into it all over again. I am having to keep the focus at the forefront of my mind. I’m not going to give into the wallowing. But it is beckoning to me like an old friend.

I need to get to the part where I started to heal. I’m wasting time getting there by writing this, but I needed to vent a little and break away from the intensity of it all for a moment.

I’m making progress and it feels so weirdly good. Even going into the detail of my anger, as I write, is helping me purge. This is the ultimate detox I’m going through right now. This is the beginning of the shakes and vomiting. The cold sweats are next followed by sleeplessness. It sucks so much to feel so much worse before you truly start to feel better.

You know what? That’s the first time I’ve referred to this process as a sort of rehabilitation. But, good grief that is exactly what this is. There’s an addiction to the sadness I think. Maybe a little piece of me is holding onto that self pity. Reasons? No clue. Maybe that’s another trivial cog in the machine of the process I’m going through. Perhaps, I’m going to learn that about myself.

I’ve always admitted having becoming easily addicted to lots of vices. But wow, I’ve never realized that maybe there’s an addiction to self pity...huh. Weird. This is literally thinking aloud to myself right now. Is there any sense to be made of these words? Who knows. Maybe I’ll figure out my encryption later.